Product Mascot Tournament

I was just sitting here wondering what to write about, and I thought of staging a showdown between some of the most famous names in the corporate mascot business. The following list is literally the first 16 character names that popped into my head--compiled in less than 45 seconds. This is how they would fare--if matched against each other in an NCAA-type tournament. Seedings are in ().

Cereal Mascot Regional: (1) Tony the Tiger v. (4) Corn Flakes Rooster; (2) Snap, Crackle, & Pop v. (3) Toucan Sam

Doughy White Objects Regional: (1) Pillsbury Doughboy (Pop 'N Fresh) v. (4) Hamburger Helper; (2) Michelin Man v. (3) Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear

Fast Foot Regional: (1) Ronald McDonald v. (4) Wendy; (2) The Burger King, circa 2006 v. (3) Arby's Oven Mitt

Creatures and Cooks Regional: (1) Jolly Green Giant v. (4) Betty Crocker; (2) Keebler Elves v. (3) Nestle Quik Rabbit

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Cereal Mascot Regional: In the first game, Tony the Tiger out-scratches the spokes-chicken. The rooster is hardly a presence anymore without advertising dollars being spent to animate him in today's commercials. Snap, Crackle & Pop take down Toucan Sam in game two. While Toucan manages to snap up both Snap and Crackle into his colorful beak, Pop manages to elude the top-heavy bird before landing the winning blow. In the regional final, Tony the Tiger eats the "Crispies" for breakfast. Winner: Tony the Tiger.

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Doughy White Objects Regional: Pop 'N Fresh, the clear favorite, is subdued by an uncontrollable giggling fit at the hand of Hamburger Helper and his signature "tickle punch." In game two, there's another upset as Snuggle manages to conceal himself within the folds of the Michelin Man's rings. Michelin is forced to disassemble his tire rings to find Snuggle, and is unable to reassemble himself before the end of regulation. In the regional final, Snuggle attempts to "honk" Hamburger's red nose, but is taken down in a cinch grip by "the Glove." Winner: Hamburger Helper.

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Fast Food Regional: In game one action, the charismatic clown easily outshines the never-animated little red-haired girl. And in the nightcap, the creepy, unblinking King easily crushes the insecure rookie glove. The regional final is a tight back-and-forth battle between McDonald and King. The contest wages long into the night, but when Burger King attempts to bring Ronald breakfast in bed, the clown kicks him hard with his big red shoes. Winner: Ronald McDonald.

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Creatures and Cooks Regional: The first game in the regional is a surprising upset as Betty Crocker, unfazed by the giants attempts at scaring her with his deep voice, whips up a delicious banquet that brings Jolly Green to his knees in surrender. For game two, the Keebler Elves take advantage of their home field and make use of the many treehouses and secret burrows to trap and defeat the bunny. In the regional final, the Elves--great bakers themselves--are unmoved by Crocker's one-note offense and trap her in their caves, forcing her to paint fudge stripes until the buzzer sounds. Winner: Keebler Elves.

Next time: The Semi-Finals -- (1) Tony the Tiger v. (4) Hamburger Helper and (1) Ronald McDonald v. (2) Keebler Elves

Comments

[karen]

What about Mrs. Butterworth?

[Gixmo]

Snuggle losing to the Hamburger Helper? No way that happens - the little guy is deceivingly tough. Although not sure he can take down Tony the Tiger.

[paula]

Way too much time on your hands babe!

[Barry]

I was looking for the Kool-aid man myself.
I have missed your thoughts over the past many years! Thanks for inviting me to review your thoughts.

[johnvano]

For those of you pining for your favorite mascots not in the tournament, please no that these characters failed to win their conferences during the regular season, and so were not automatic bids for the tournament. Better luck next year.

Gixmo, Hamburger Helper actually surprised us all with both of his wins. His grease sample has been taken for analysis.