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Why?

Why do we fence in our backyards, but not our front yards?

Why do people buy $400,000 homes six feet away from each other?

Why does the shape and position of two eyes, a nose, and a mouth--make one attractive, or unattractive?

Why does advanced communication make us increasingly isolated from one another?

Why do only liberals put excessive amounts of bumper stickers on their cars?

Why do the famous die in threes?

My Night of Nights

Well the family's out of town again so to celebrate, I locked myself out of the house and made a new friend.

That's right blogfans, I put in a late night at work Tuesday, ate dinner in the car, and arrived at my chateau just after 9 pm for a relaxing evening. Only to find that my garage door opener did not work. The thing has been on the fritz for awhile and I had written it off as broken until my wife had me test it two weeks ago, and suddenly it worked! So she left town with the kids on Tuesday morning, neither of us thinking twice about the garage door--until I get home Tuesday night, and my clicker's not working.

My house key is only to the entry that's inside the garage--both the front and back door have different keys, but I keep an extra key to the front door hidden inside the garage--a great idea if you can actually get in the garage! So after half an hour of trying to break into my own house, with the cat giving me a hard time--following me around needling me about my ineptitude--I finally called a locksmith.

Recent Reads

Crazy Horse, by Larry McMurtry -- I have a pinky-nail's worth of knowledge of the old west and Native American history so this book was an eye-opener. A humbly submitted biography of the famous and seminal Sioux, Crazy Horse opened with fascinating detail about the Indian way of life in mid-nineteenth cenury America. I was completely enthralled by the first half of the book. But the book is so brief and simple that it assumed a lot about my apriori knowledge during this period, and ultimately confused me and began to bore me because I didn't have enough context. A great introduction for me--it has whet my appetite for more. Grade: B-

The Italian Secretary, by Caleb Carr -- I was attracted to this further adventure of Sherlock Holmes by contemporary writer Carr, but Carr strives so hard to be true to the language of Holmes' British era that reading this novel was a chore. I felt the mystery was a weak attempt at capturing the intrigue of The Hound of the Baskervilles, a masterpiece by Conan Doyle. I started reading the print version of this book, but finished it with the audio version, just to get it over with. Torturous. Grade: D-

Fade Away, by Harlan Coben -- Since I've read all but one of Coben's modern thrillers, I thought I'd go back to his earlier work featuring the detective work of sports agent Myron Bolitar. This was vintage Coben, although certainly at a minor-league level compared to his skill today. I found Bolitar to be an appealing enough character, especially his backstory--star NCAA basketball star suffers a career-ending injury before his first NBA game, and is given a chance at NBA redemption 12 years later. Twist ending is reminiscent of contemporary Coben works, but in this case, it was kind of lame. Grade: C+

Weekend Recap (Not That You Care)

We had a great family weekend 9/16-17. Usually we have a very difficult time getting up and out the door before 12:30 on Day Sevens, but on this Saturday the twins had a birthday party to go to, so we got going pretty early. The party was a family affair--and all of our kids were invited. Many of my own friends were there, too--so even the adults had fun.

The party was at a park, and the firemen showed up to give the kids a look at a real engine. Just as the firefighters began to demonstrate how they dress for a fire, they got a call for an actual emergency, so we got to see them dress quickly, flick on their lights and horns, and take off.

As the party was dying down, we fellow stragglers got to witness firsthand a dramatic scene from Animal Planet as a hawk hunted a squirrel up and down this big tree right over the kids' playground. The squirrel would duck behind the trunk some 60 feet up, and the hawk would flap up a foot or two and grip the tree with his claws--it was very intense and went on for about 10 minutes or so, before the hawk finally gave up and flew off--the squirrel's nest safe at last. The squirrel actually lay prone on a branch--panting--when it was all done.

Word of the Day: Egress

e‧gress  –noun

1.	the act or an instance of going, esp. from an enclosed place.

2.	a means or place of going out; an exit.

3.	the right or permission to go out.

   --- from Dictionary.com

Used in a sentence:

"This way to the egress."

"...That's an ideal entry and egress point."

Book Review: Manhunt

I just finished Manhunt, by James Swanson--a riveting retelling of the Lincoln assasination and ensuing 12-day search for the killer, John Wilkes Booth. This book was written with such richness and detail it was like you were there, and it became very easy to adjust yourself to the 1860's timeframe.

A few things that surprised me: Booth was not just Joe Blow Actor, but was very well-renown and instantly recognizable throughout Washington, New York, Boston, and other major cities. Booth had long felt hatred toward Lincoln and had earlier plotted a kidnapping of the president. He actually rode out to take Lincoln on one occasion and realized that the president had decided to give a speech at the very hotel Booth lived at--so he missed him only because he was out trying to get him elsewhere!

Booth only had six hours to plan the assasination on Good Friday, 1865. Dejected by the North's victory and the continual and spontaneous celebrations in the streets, Booth received a flyer from Ford's Theater announcing the president and first lady's appearance that night in the audience. Booth lept into action, planning a simultaneous murder of Lincon, General Grant (originally intended guest of the Lincolns), Secretary of State William Seward, and Vice-President Andrew Johnson.

Scientific & Unscientific Conclusions About the Funny

Based on unscientific data gathered from my subjective study of the funniest movies of my time, one could conclude that Bill Murray is the laugh-out-loud-funniest actor of this period. Murray appeared in a record four films from my top 30 funny movie list, including significant or lead roles in films ranked number 4, 11, and 30. He also had a smallish role in Tootsie (#22).

Next funniest would presumably be Ben Stiller with three appearances (two lead or starring roles)--his movies were ranked third, eighth, and twelfth. Steve Martin (3 lead roles--in films ranked #1,  #16, #26), Adam Sandler (3 lead roles--in films ranked #18, #23, #27), Chevy Chase (3 lead roles--in films ranked #17, #25, #30), and Jim Carrey (3 lead roles--in films ranked #20, #24, #29) would finish out the top five.

However, this is different from my subjective list of those whom I believe to be the funniest people appearing in my Top 30 funny movie list: 1) Steve Martin, 2) Will Ferrell, 3) Steve Carell, 4) Bill Murray, 5) Robin Williams, 6) Gary Cole, 7) Vince Vaughn, 8) Owen Wilson, 9) Ben Stiller, 10) Peter Falk, 11) Albert Brooks, 12) Kevin Kline, 13) Gene Wilder, 14) John C. McGinley, 15) Robert DeNiro.

To me, some of the most surprising names to appear on this 3-part movie list are: Angela Lansbury, Mandy Patinkin, Max van Sydow, Rob Schneider (honored only by association), Morgan Freeman, Carl Weathers, and Debbie Reynolds.

A few names one might expect to see more on a list of the funniest movies: Billy Crystal (he's unfortunately not as funny as he thinks he is), Albert Brooks (he's more witty and clever, than laugh-out-loud-funny), Mel Brooks (I haven't had enough exposure to his works), and Dan Aykroyd (see Billy Crystal).

Top Ten Laugh-Out-Loud Funniest Movies

10. Office Space (Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston, Stephen Root, Gary Cole) -- Classic goof movie on the weird things that can happen in a white-collar environment. Seen a few of these things myself. From the creator of Beavis and Butt-head and King of the Hill, Mike Judge. Best bits: the merciless rotation of the office gremlin, Milton Waddams and any of the awkward portrayed by Gary Cole as the boss.

9. The Brady Bunch Movie (Gary Cole, Shelley Long, Christine Taylor) -- Easily the best TV show movie ever made. At the beginning of this terrible 10-year trend to transform TV shows into films, The Brady Bunch Movie flipped the young genre on its head with a loveable spoof that made fun of the show so many of us grew up with. I laughed so hard at: "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia"--played by Christine Taylor (now Mrs. Ben Stiller).

8. Meet the Parents (Ben Stiller, Robert DeNiro, Blythe Danner, Teri Polo, Owen Wilson) -- Howlingly funny. A humiliated protagonist comedy that's become a new classic. Meet the Fockers was terrific, too--more humorous than hilarious, though. Best stuff: Stiller with the cat and everything Owen Wilson does.

7. Airplane! (Leslie Neilson, Robert Hays, Jule Hagerty) -- Stacked sky-high with jokes, scene-stealers, and word-play, Airplane: The Movie is fun-ny! Best bit: Mrs. Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) talking jive.

Helmets and Horns

The Vikings are 1-0!

Did you see Tom Cruise sweat this one out in the Redskins owner's box? He was squeezing Katie Holmes' hand so hard, I thought she was going to  turn purple!

The Vikes beat the Redskins on the road, 19-16.

Two Squirrels

An actual conversation I had today:

Them: "Is it wrong to watch two squirrels having sex? I feel like a voyeur."

Me: "Wrong? No, I don't think it's morally wrong."