johnvano.com

Flushed Away

Hugh Jackman and Kate Winslet star in Flushed Away, the latest in a long line of animated anthropomorphic animal movies. There is such a pile of this genre that you can't keep up with them, and they become indistinguishable from one another. Flushed Away at least attempts to distinguish itself from the crowd by not going for the over-the-top, gross-out joke with the hint of adult innuendo. Instead, it's focused more on plot and story. There's humor here, but it fits in the context of the story with cleverness and not simply as an isolated joke.

Flushed Away opens with a pampered pet rat, put out by an intruding sewer rat who flushes him into London's rat society. There, Roddy (Jackman) encounters Rita (Winslet), a scrappy scavenger with a family bond unlike Roddy has ever experienced. The two are imperiled together in a madcap race to defeat The Toad (Ian McKellen) and his henchrats and henchfrogs--before they flood the sewers.

All of the voice actors give winning performances and the animation is in the Wallace and Gromit style because it's from the same production company, Aardman. It's fast-paced, interesting, and the minutae of the devices used by the rats--from paperclips to duty-free shopping bags--makes for an extra layer of fun. Grade: B

What's an Anniversary Anyway?

Macy's proclaimed its "80th Anniversary of the Thanksgiving Day parade" this week. But out of the same mouth it announced it was the "80th parade." Think about it. It can't be both the 80th anniversary of the parade and the 80th running of it. An anniversary marks a year after an event, but it gets tricky here, so stay with me. If it's a wedding anniversary, you don't count the actual wedding (that's ground zero). However, if you are holding an event such as a parade, you can count the first as "one," and your second parade is the first anniversary of the first parade. It's tough, but that's the way it is.

Book Review: Beach Road

Beach Road, by James Patterson -- Twist endings are overrated. You could close just about any book with a shocking twist--just by flipping the most expected situation on its head. Or by revealing a deep-secret of the main character (completely unforeshadowed) in the end. As readers, we're beginning to expect these things, but I'd rather just have a good story.

In a recent book club mailing, Patterson touts Beach Road as one of his personal favorites. And on an Amazon video he calls it "his best twist ever." Since I knew this, I anticipated the twist by imaging what would be most unexpected, and sure enough, one of my two suspicions were correct. I don't mind figuring it out, the point is that all of the pages leading up to the twist were mediocre at best. The story had absolutely no real point or unique quality--and so many details were left unexplained. The entire plot served the ridiculous twist, and when I got there, it was no big deal because I didn't care about any of the characters.

Beach Road takes place on an infamous strip of real estate in the Hamptons. A former college basketball star is now a hum-drum attorney. He still plays pick-up basketball games, and after one such game, three of his buddies are found brutally murdered. A young kid--a first-round lock for the NBA--has clearly been set up for the murders. The former college star takes the high-profile case (Stephen Spielberg, Julia Roberts, George Clooney, and Matt Damon all make cameos in the book because they're interested in the movie rights) and convinces his long-lost love to join his defense team. The gathering of evidence and trial takes over a year, but you'd never know it from the erratic pacing. Whole months jump by one three-page chapter at a time.

Beach Road has zero depth, is filled with stock characters (one is an elderly Irishman who adores his red-headed boarder), and exists only for the twist at the end. Still, Patterson knows how to get you to turn the page, even if you know you deserve better. Grade: C-

* I can't believe what a sucker I am. I've read six Patterson books in 2006 alone. The man's a machine of pulp ficiton--he's just released his newest Alex Cross novel (Cross), and has four other books on the way. He's becoming something of a hack--though a very rich one, who writes just good enough for me to keep on reading him when I need a break from the heavier stuff.

Cooper Turns 2

The little boy who never met a car he didn't like--has turned two years old. On Saturday, we celebrated his birthday (on the actual date) as he opened his presents and had his cake, surrounded by his parents, four siblings, and his maternal grandparents.

He's our late-bloomer. Bombarded on every side by the stages of development of all the other kids, Cooper never really talked. He still doesn't. He probably has 50 solid words in his vocabulary and a million little slurs and wabble-wabble-wabbles. He also has a way of making half the things he says sound like a question.

But he loves to dive into the fray and have fun. He has one of the best all-time laughs. And when the other kids are having "tackle daddy time," Cooper throws his body on the pile. He looks like a pro-wrestler throwing himself off the top rope as he drops down with all his force. It's hilarious to watch him run, his body twisting from side-to-side as he boogeys.

He loves going down stairs--he just flops his body down about 3 feet from the staircase and then slides on his belly until he reaches the top step. Then he hurdles himself down the steps--and he doesn't even wear a cup!

He loves his Hot Wheels cars and always is meticulous about which one or two he takes to bed. He also sleeps with a stuffed monkey we got in California named "Hilton." It looks like Curious George, but it's not. I think his very first word was "Daddy," and he loves to say it--he also loves to talk on the phone. When I upgraded by BlackBerry this month, I gave Cooper the old one--and he was thrilled! I also see him as possibly being our most athletically gifted male--against Marshall and me (we'll see). He's my pal.

Happy Birthday, buddy.

Meet the New Dog

This is Toby, our new canine-child. He's my wife's Christmas present and she treats him very similarly to how each of our natural born human-childs have been treated. Personally, I see Toby more as that distant cousin who's staying for the weekend--I'm being very tolerant, but not very engaging.

Toby's a good dog. I think my children are beautiful, and Toby isn't a bad looking mammal, but I certainly wouldn't stop in my tracks to pet him. However, that is not how most people act around this little moppet. We took Toby out on Day 2 of his entry into our family, and townsfolk ooh-ed and aah-ed all over him. He was much more a chick-magnet than my twin daughters ever were. If you're a single guy and reading this blog, I need to be honest with you, you won't meet any single women at johnvano.com--but you could--if you got a little Toby dog.

Toby is a maltipoo. Maltipoos are half maltese and half poodle. Either poodles are dangerously attracted to maltese or some sick Svengali is dimming the lights, serving red wine, and playing a little Barry White on the poodle-maltese play dates. If you'd like a maltipoo but don't have any Barry White music, I'd recommend you visit CSPuppies.com--because that's what we did. You can pick out your pooch from their online catalog and they'll jet him to your nearest airport all the way from Donna, Texas.

I'm Thinking Randomly Now

Two thoughts I had today while at lunch:

1. Why do journalists feel compelled to write, "I remember watching the late blah-blah-blah reach up and grab..." when talking about someone who is dead? Why is that relevant? If the guy said it or did it, why is it necessary to state whether or not he is still with us? From the context of your article we know that it is an event from the past... if the guy is a crazed lunatic now you're not compelled to say: "I remember watching the formerly sane blah-blah-blah reach up and grab..."

2. If it wasn't for limes--I'd probably get scurvy. I love fruit--it's my favorite thing on God's earth, but I'm so lazy about food preparation that I don't eat fruit like I should because it's generally not been peeled, sliced, and diced for me as I like it. But I'm always dropping those little wedges of lime in my coke... so I guess I'm getting my Vitamin C, eh?

The Hairy Bar of Soap

I once worked for someone who had a private bathroom and shower in her office. One morning she came into work to discover her shower doors steamed, and a hairy bar of soap on the ledge. Within five minutes, a paper memo had been distributed to every employee--castigating the perpetrator for their malefeasance. Conjecture spread throughout the small office--who could it be? Why would someone come in early, just to shower-up in the inner sanctum of a sixty-year-old woman's office?

But I quickly learned the secret, as I took the confession of my supervisor who, struggling to make a little more money for his growing family, had secretly taken a paper route. It had rained that morning, causing the ink to run on the morning edition. He rushed into the office before anyone arrived, but because he was a sopping, runny mess, he took a shower and changed.

What's a sodden adult paperboy to do? He was desperate. Yet in his haste, he left tell-tale signs--and a thin strand of DNA on the soap.

I urged him to confess--and that he did, which resulted in his restoration with our boss, and a subsequent memo on the sanctity of personal space. I don't know where the showering paperboy is today, but you can bet he always knows how he's left the soap.

Dumb Politics

I don't understand the point of the lieutenant governor position in states where the governor and lieutenant governor run on separate tickets.

If they were both from the same party, and were running mates, they'd be a team and a support to one another like a president and a vice-president, but I can't figure out why you'd go separate the offices as is done in 18 U.S. states (including Georgia).

A governor and a lieutant governor from opposing parties is like a quarterback and a running back wearing the same colors, but playing for different teams. The quarterback takes the hike and stands in the pocket while the running back blocks for him. But suddenly, the running back turns and tackles the QB! Preposterous... counter-productive... idiotic. That's the lunacy of this particular political system.

Well, almost. In some states, the lieutant does lead the upper legislature, but in most cases, his role is much like that of an unruly prince--not helping out the king so much, but ready to take the throne if he dies. Stupid.

Ode to the Sticker Man

So what happened to the greasy cooter who once stood by the door on your way out of the precinct? You know the guy who'd have a freshly peeled sticker for you that says, "I Voted Today, Did You?"

The one who would block the door--a big smile on his face--and press an adhesive billboard for voting on your chest? He always seemed so eager, so determined to touch you. I know he must have made the women shudder--this man who surely had a calendar full of little red "Xs" marking down the time until election day. The first to arrive and volunteer, he'd quickly claim the sticker job and seize the opportunity to make a new friend or two.

There was even a stretch when this man was relegated to asking politely if he could put the sticker on--but now, in the 21st century, the little guy has been given an unfortunate prop--a table he must sit behind, removed from my personal space. There he spreads his array of stickers on a sad little table, and watches mournfully as we pick up, peel, and secure our own "I'm A Voter" sticker.

Top Ten Vacation Moments (Oct 2006)

If you've read this blog recently (as all of you should be doing), you'd know that we recently took a family trip to Savannah (one day) then visited family in the Jacksonville area of Florida (four days). Here is a quick list of the highlights--with my promise to develop a couple of these story lines in the days to come.

Officially, of course, being with my family is always number one on the list. And number two, is always traveling for traveling's sake--the feel of the road, and of leaving your ordinary life behind for an adventure.

TOP TEN MOMENTS

1. Walking the streets of Savannah (Wed)
2. Dinner at The Lady and Sons in Savannah (Wed)
3. Guana State Park walk and Paula's spider-dance (Fri)
4. Reading Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before/during the vacation (Mon-Sun)
5. Driving North on AIA for a bit (after the park on Fri)
6. Building a model car with Marshall (Sat)
7. Reading Pride and Prejudice to my wife on the drive home (Sun)
8. Watching Open Season with my kids at the theater (Thur)
9. Watching the Georgia-Florida game with my dad and bro-in-law (even though GA lost--Sat)
10. Watching American Dreamz with my wife, parents, sister and brother-in-law (Fri) 

Honorable mention: Hearing my sister get me a $28 refund for my Pizza Hut pizza order that was an hour late (Sat)