Do I Seem Less Intelligent Than a Sandwich Artist?

...Not that there's anything wrong with being a Subway sandwich artist. On the contrary, it's a noble profession. One upon whom I depend for my quality cut meats as much as once a week. And yet, let's admit it--it does not require a fine understanding of the language arts, to slice meat. I should know, I've sliced meat for pay in my day. Though I wonder if the sandwich artist actually slices meat. It always seems prepared for them so that they can work with the medium of their customers choice--pork, foul, or steer--to craft their art.

I pose the question in the above headline because of an experience I had during the third quarter of the Patriots' riveting upset of the Chargers--a result I predicted here at johnvano.com. It was then that I ran out quickly to provide foodstuff for my young family. As I was placing my order with one artist, the other was manning the register at the other end--asking each customer in succession if they had any Midol or Tylenol. When I finally reached her, she asked me for Advil. I guess I look like an Advil-man. Actually, I'm an Aleve advocate, but I believe that's beside the point.

I gave her my condolences and then suggested that she could just walk down the sidewalk to the grocery store connected to her building. She didn't offer a rejoinder, but rocked back and forth on her elbows, aching and moaning. Then, with a burst of energy, she bounced up and went to the other end of the counter where she began intricate artistic endeavors on my six sandwiches. It was at this point that she said softly--but not too softly--that she always gets "flatulen" when in this condition.

I tried to be a gentleman and simply ignore the comment as it was intended privately between two young women, even though I was standing just on the other side of a little sandwich window that only reached my man-chest. I tried not to think about her "flatulen" affecting my fresh meats and wondered why I've had so many encounters recently with "flatulen" people.

When her friend nudged her that perhaps she shouldn't have said that in front of a customer, the girl rolled her eyes a tiny bit and then directed me with this question: "Do you know what flatulen is?"

Me: "Flatulence. Yes."

Her: "What?"
Me: "It means gas."

Her: "Oh. You do know what it means. I was trying to use big words so you wouldn't understand what I was saying."

I wasn't offended. I only wondered how a man who's clearly in his 30's--who wears glasses--and is buying a lot of sandwiches, could possibly not be considered a good candidate for knowing the definition of "flatulen" or whatever you want to attempt to call it. I don't know how she thought she'd "trick" me--even if I wasn't a guy who gets paid to work with words. So I smiled, wished her a speedy recovery, and left to watch Tom Brady perform miracles.

Comments

[Micah]

"Flatulen" seems to be becoming a dominant theme here at JV.com. Perhaps you should add that as one of your categories.

Subway seems to be quite an eventful place. I've got so many Subway stories I could blog about Subway and nothing else and still be okay for about a month.

[JAndree]

I feel a personal pride having known you when you were a professional meat carver. Stop and Shop has never been the same. I was just speaking with your slicing compatriot a few moments ago. Do you know what a compatriot is?

[johnvano]

Micah--excellent idea about the category listing. Maybe after I smell a few more farts, I'll add it.

JAndree--say hello to "Hose" for me, there's nothing quite like a summer in the deli department.

[Kevin]

Below is the reference for an article that describes the use of paradoxical intention with a woman afflicted with obsessional ruminations about her own flatulence.
"Clinical Social Work and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Single Paradoxical intention in the treatment of obsessional flatulence ruminations. Journal of Behavior Therapy and Experimental Psychiatry, 13, 167-172." This is a great example of how academia can take the fun out of anything!

[johnvano]

I don't know, I think "flatulence ruminations" sounds pretty fun!