johnvano.com

Root Beer Virgins

All I wanted was a cold root beer...

Driving about on Sunday afternoon, stopping at plant nurseries and swingset wholesalers, we passed an A&W/KFC restaraunt. I almost pulled in for a cold one, but didn't. But then the thirstier I became, the more I regretted this decision, until... Marshall began the potty dance. So we rushed the kids to the car, and set off for a bathroom. Passing gas stations, grocery stores, and fast food chains, Marshall whined, "Those are all places for me to pee!" But I had A&W on my mind...

We arrived just after 3:00--and rather than just snack, I thought I'd save us some money by getting dinner now so that we weren't dropping coin at both 3 and 6 on food. Big mistake. My favorite Pizza Hut was just down the street--and I am still bemoaning the fact that I didn't stop there instead.

I love KFC chicken, but I know that the food served at places like A&W and Dairy Queen is not going to be very good going in. Good enough for kids, though. So we ordered, and I majored on the KFC menu for myself, except when it came to the root beer. I had a two-piece original recipe chicken plate with kernel corn, cole slaw, and a biscuit. The biscuit looked fine, but it went to Madison so I can't vouch for it, but the cole slaw was more than a day old. The corn was room temperature, and the chicken was undercooked. Not enough to make me sick, but not enough for me to say it was "finger-lick'n good!" either.

Represent'n

I have been absent from the blog, but present with my work over the past several days because of a business trip to Orlando. Herewith are some reflections on my adventure.

Don't ever use Mears Transportation out of Orlando. In advance of our trip, I reserved this service for my airport pickup and delivery to the hotel. I even paid extra for the guy with the little sign, not to see my name in Sharpie, but so that my colleague and I would not miss our 6 p.m. dinner meeting after a 4:30 p.m. arrival. But after a brisk flight, there was no little sign guy. We went to the Mears counter and overheard them tell an unreserved individual that it would be an hour's wait. I thought surely they're ready for me--I have a reservation! But we too were given a one hour delay--due to some imaginary accident. Imaginary I presume because though they said it was terrific and had the whole of Orlando shut down, every other taxi and shuttle service seemed to be working fine. We shared a cab with an old friend we ran into--and made it to our dinner just in time. Our business associates, however, were 40 minutes late--so that was a little funny.

As we pulled up to the hotel, my colleague spotted a woman with purple hair--surprisingly not uncommon for the event we attended. She snapped a picture for us all to enjoy (see photo to the right). At the hotel counter, I asked for any special rooms they might be able to upgrade me to in my quest for a king-size bed. They offered me a VIP suite with Murphy bed, which I greedily accepted at no additional cost. This room gave me so much space (I was checked in for 4 nights)--with a full kitchen (sans the microwave, oven, and stove), bathroom with shower stall, couch, soft-side chairs, table with chairs, bar with stools, TV in cabinet, and pull-down bed. A Murphy bed is the kind of bed the Three Stooges would always get wrapped up in--which would fall on their heads or suck them into the wall. The hotel clerk assured me that she has jumped on these to verify to their functionality, safety, and authenticity. And in truth, it was a very comfortable king--and I loved the seven pillows all to myself!

I bought two pay-per-movies during my stay--For Your Consideration (an Academy Award spoof by the folks who brought us Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show) and The Good Shepherd (the Matt Damon-Angelina Jolie CIA movie). Both were slightly disappointing, but I'll review them in full at a later date. After my goal to have a successful conference on behalf of my organization, my second hope was that I could put in 8 hours of writing--doing a little each night--on my novel. Fat chance--I was so tired from running around 12 hours a day that I spent a total of 40 minutes on the thing. I feel abysmal about this, but I was so wasted in the evenings, I'd fall asleep during my PPV.

Random Song Currently Stuck in My Head...

..."An Innocent Man" by Billy Joel. I have no earthly idea why this little nugget is running around in my head, particularly the chorus. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Click this link, and get it stuck in your head too.   

Coming Attractions

This week I heard about two upcoming comedies that I just can't wait to see.

The first is coming out this summer, and its called Good Luck Chuck. Dane Cook stars as a guy whose ex-girlfriends always seem to find Mr. Right just after dating him. He soon becomes a kind of good luck charm for women seeking marriage. Jessica Alba also stars in what would be her first comedic performance. Great concept--I can't imagine why it hasn't been done before. I love the cast, and I think it has real potential. The trick will be in turning the good 20-minute joke into a very funny movie that delivers on the romance.

The second movie I'm anxious for isn't coming out until 2009--but it will star Ben Stiller and Tom Cruise as the Hardy Boys all grown up. Apparently they reunite to solve a mystery in The Hardy Men. This sounds hilarious. I can see it now, part The Brady Bunch Movie part There's Something About Mary. With Cruise trying to repair his image by taking a very new kind of part for him. But I don't see how he can lose--he's a very competent actor, he has great on-screen charisma (though when he's playing himself on TV, he's a bit hard to take), and all he needs to do is play the straight man to Stiller's wild man. Point me to Moviefone, because I'm ordering my tickets.

JohnVano, International Linguist

Last night I helped a guy out at a Mexican restaurant. He was making take-out burritos for my wife and me, and he wanted to know if I'd like diced jalapeno on my burrito. Only he said, "hallow-pea-no." And so I answered him, and corrected his dialect all in one smooth clip, "Halla-pain-yoh? Yes, I'd love some!" Then at the register, I asked for extra nachos and cheese. Putting on my teaching cap, I pronounced it "Kay-so" cheese, in case he was unaware of how to say it. Though in my defense, my burrito artist looked a little like Tom Green, though you never can tell.

Now those who know me--you're thinking, "I didn't know John knew Spanish!" And for those who know me even better--you're saying, "I can't believe John did it again!" Meaning, I'm actually not an international linguist, but do bad habit of automatically responding to accents by mimicking them. I just can't help it. And I'm not good at them either. In fact, my wife says all of my accents sound "pirate." And yet, whenever I hear an accent, I immediately speak back at the person just as they spoke to me, or so I think. Probably, it sounds either condescending, irritating, or ridiculous to the other person.

Book Review: The Innocent Man

Ron Williamson was raised by a doting mother and two older sisters in Ada, Oklahoma. At an early age, Williamson discovered his athletic giftedness and gravitated to baseball. He became the star of stars in Oklahoma and was imagined locally as the successor to Mickey Mantle (OK boy who makes good). Ron was also a clotheshorse and a ladies' man. He tried admirably to advance through the minor leagues, but ultimately, was not good enough. In the meantime, his life was a bit of a jumble with alcohol abuse, drug use, and some womanizing. He was like a big kid who constantly had to be reigned in by his mother--even as a twenty-something. Then, washed up and with a growing criminal record for drunkenness, check forgery, and two rape exonerations he began to wander about Ada, aimless and flirting with mental illness.

When Ada resident Debra Carter was raped and murdered in Ada on December 8, 1982, Williamson became an immediate suspect--simply because his erratic behavior proved a scapegoat for the real killer who fingered him as the last to see Carter. Williamson and Carter had never met, while the killer, Glenn Gore, had actually been the last one to be seen with her.

After five years of bungling police work all directed at Williamson "who must be the killer," Ron Williamson was arrested, indicted, and convicted for the murder. Dennis Fritz, Williamson's only non-family friend, was also tried and convicted based on the "evidence" that the murder must have been a two-man job and who else would have helped Ronnie?

Burgah Dawg

My favorite franchise friend, Burger King, was monarch of the "Money" page at USA Today on Wednesday. Seems the BK balance sheets are looking up. I'm still not so crazy about their food--but I love their style. Though the chicken fries are brilliant. And they're about to come out with Steak and Egg Hold'ems for breakfast--righteous, dude. They also plan to introduce the BK Oreo Sundae Shake--which I had outside of the gates to Disney World last fall--delectable.

It's interesting that Burger King has elected to focus their marketing on their existing clientele, or "superfans"--if they can just get these customers to drop by once more per month, they'll be golden. Eighteen percent of their customers are 18-35-year-old males, but these superfans make up 50% of Burger King's sales.

And word is there's a movie in the works called, Above the King, about a troubled teen who lives above a Burger King. Could the disturbingly quirky King take home the Oscar? Fry not?

**Check out BK's Table Guest feature--it allows you to have a fake conversation with a model, a little person, a high school teacher, or a race car driver. Refreshingly odd.

Imponderables

Why do angry motorists honk, then throw their hands in the air while making a lemony face? Why not only one of these actions? For some reason, all three are always connected. Hmm...

It didn't take an Einstein to come up with the concept for the warning tissue. You know that series of off-white nose sheets that start popping up when your box of tissues is about to run out? Great idea, very helpful. I bet it took someone thoughtful to think of this, someone who refuses to honk and raise their hands in the air.

Every quarterback has a bad game once in awhile. And sometimes even the best of QBs need to be pulled out of the game, to save their sanity, or even their dignity. When the quarterback gets to the sideline, they sometimes must face a coach who screams and belittles them. And then there are other types of coaches who simply pat their butt, and leave them alone. The quarterback knows that he's messed up, he doesn't need your fat head barking at him about it.

Got My Tickets!

These are my tickets to Spring Training 2007. My buddy Carp has the other three sets. We will be going to see the Phillies at the Reds (Sarasota) on 3/24, the Marlins at the Red Sox (Ft. Myers) on 3/25, the Orioles at the Twins (Ft. Myers) on 3/26, the Pirates at the Red Sox on 3/27, and the Devil Rays at the Phillies (Clearwater) on 3/28. It's going to be awesome. I've never been to Spring Training of any kind before, even though I lived near Oriole Park in Ft. Lauderdale for five years.

For Carp and me, this is our annual/semi-annual Man Trip. In 2002 and 2003 we hiked the Appalachian Trail in Georgia, in 2004 we toured the Outer Banks of North Carolina in a red convertible, and in 2005 we rented a cabin with another buddy, Ben, in Chimney Rock, North Carolina. In 2006, the trip was postponed till Spring Training 2007 due to inclemental spousal weather.

I'll have more to share about Man Trip 5 (MTV) in the weeks ahead. Carp is going to guest blog with me as we preview the event and send reports from the field. Also, we'll try to recap Man Trips 1-4 for everyone who hasn't heard the stories.

It's riduculously hard to get Red Sox or Yankees tickets for Spring Training. Everything is sold out--at their parks but especially at parks where they are visiting. All we could get was standing room for two Red Sox home games. And every other attempt at other parks was fruitless. My favorite teams are the Twins, Red Sox, and Marlins--so I get to see them all. Carp is an inbred Sox fan--and a proud New Englander.

South Beach Update

Here's an update on the diet. We began on Thursday at lunchtime (I sipped a transitional Pepsi throughout the afternoon), and it is now just after 11 on Tuesday night. That's about 6 days. The entire experience is going much better than my first venture with The South Beach Diet. Compared to last time, my caffeine withdrawl and my obsession with Coke and fast food is really quite manageable. Sunday was a cheat day. You're not supposed to do that on the first two weeks of South Beach--because you're kick-starting your system. But on the way home from church, Paula and I got into a discussion about what we'd like to eat, then she offered that we break the diet because of the holiday (the Super Bowl). I remained strong, and rejected her proposition, but did allow myself to play it by ear when we got to the restaraunt. Paula promised that a steak was okay, but even so, she was going to cheat a little.

We went to the Texas Roadhouse and while I ran to the car to fetch my wallet, she ordered our drinks. Meanwhile, I decided that if I was going to break the diet, I'd order a Coke. When I got back to my seat, she had ordered an allowable unsweetened iced tea for me. So that did it--I'd be good. What's the fun of cheating if you can't have a Coke? So I ordered a ribeye, though I couldn't resist the side kicker of ribs (the sauce was a no-no). However, I did stiff-arm my usual sweet potato (a no-no) and instead got a caesar side salad (no croutons) and green beans. The only other allowance I made was for the ingestion of one and a half rolls--Paula dies for starch, and since she had two...

So we didn't do too badly, but then the game came on and neither one of us looked forward to salad or chicken again so we decided to order a pizza--a veggie pizza. Paula picked it up during the second quarter (what a great wife) and surprised me by bringing home Coke Zero and Hooters' buffalo wings from our grocer's freezer. Again, it was like Eve in the Garden, and I took and ate of the "fruit" she offered to me. And I ate too much knowing that it was my last meal before I went back to death row. I felt sick and sinful. In the morning, the scale said I had gained a pound.