My beloved Blood Mountain Lard Butts, the fantasy football team I have owned and operated since 1994, are trailing badly right now in their annual grudge match against Carp's Mayberry Fife n' Furleys. Carp's team has managed 7 TDs, while mine has just one. While I still have Cedric Benson and Robbie Gould playing now and Eric Johsnon tomorrow, Carp can still count on the explosive Marques Colston tomorrow night. It looks grim for my boys, but I'm hoping my halftime speech will help. Here's the details:
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Butts v. Furleys: ESPN Halftime Transcript
Mike Tirico: "...Speaking of challenges, Suzy, just how are the Lard Butts coping with this incredible collapse against the Fife n' Furleys today?"
Suzy Kolber: "Well, Mike, I spoke with the Butts' Javon Walker at the end of halftime and he told me the mood of the team was one of exaltation."
Tony Kornheiser: "Exaltation? Are you sure you're talking to a football player?"
Kolber: "Yes, Tony, as I watched the Lard Butts take the field following the half, and as you know, trailing 142-64, they were misty-eyed, but Walker says an incredible peace and determination has washed over them for the second half."
Ron Jaworski: "Peace? Do they know they're down by 78 points?"
Kolber: "Guys, I'm told that Butts' owner, John Vano, as you know, one of the most involved owners in league history. A controversial figure, certainly, but beloved by all of his players..."
Tirico: "With the exception of Brett Favre."
Kolber: "True, those two could knock it down like the wild west, but beloved by every one else... Anyway, Vano burst into the Butts' lockerroom, and I'm told, he ripped each of these men a new one."
Kornheiser: "A new corn hole?"
Kolber: "You got it, Tony, but when the dust had settled, Walker and then later Carson Palmer told me, he had the team eating out of his hand. Palmer says they would have taken a bullet for him. He gave a speech Walker, with a straight face, compared to the "I Have a Dream Speech." Ray Lewis agreed. As he was walking past us, he said that Vano's words sent a shiver down his spine... it was what he imagined Premier Gorbachev must have felt when Ronald Reagan proclaimed, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."
Tirico: "But do you think the Lard Butts can come back? After all, these were just words..."
Kolber: "Mike, were the words, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" just words?"
Tirico: "No, Suzy. No, they weren't."
Kolber: "I didn't think so. As for this sideline reporter, I believe in miracles."
Al Michaels: "Uh... I've got that sentiment trademarked."
Kolber: "My bad, Al."
Suzy Kolber: "Well, Mike, I spoke with the Butts' Javon Walker at the end of halftime and he told me the mood of the team was one of exaltation."
Tony Kornheiser: "Exaltation? Are you sure you're talking to a football player?"
Kolber: "Yes, Tony, as I watched the Lard Butts take the field following the half, and as you know, trailing 142-64, they were misty-eyed, but Walker says an incredible peace and determination has washed over them for the second half."
Ron Jaworski: "Peace? Do they know they're down by 78 points?"
Kolber: "Guys, I'm told that Butts' owner, John Vano, as you know, one of the most involved owners in league history. A controversial figure, certainly, but beloved by all of his players..."
Tirico: "With the exception of Brett Favre."
Kolber: "True, those two could knock it down like the wild west, but beloved by every one else... Anyway, Vano burst into the Butts' lockerroom, and I'm told, he ripped each of these men a new one."
Kornheiser: "A new corn hole?"
Kolber: "You got it, Tony, but when the dust had settled, Walker and then later Carson Palmer told me, he had the team eating out of his hand. Palmer says they would have taken a bullet for him. He gave a speech Walker, with a straight face, compared to the "I Have a Dream Speech." Ray Lewis agreed. As he was walking past us, he said that Vano's words sent a shiver down his spine... it was what he imagined Premier Gorbachev must have felt when Ronald Reagan proclaimed, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."
Tirico: "But do you think the Lard Butts can come back? After all, these were just words..."
Kolber: "Mike, were the words, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" just words?"
Tirico: "No, Suzy. No, they weren't."
Kolber: "I didn't think so. As for this sideline reporter, I believe in miracles."
Al Michaels: "Uh... I've got that sentiment trademarked."
Kolber: "My bad, Al."
That's a first class whuppin' Carp is putting on ya. I would say he is beating you like a rented mule. I would just wave the white flag now and get it over with.
Posted by: Darnell Lamb | September 24, 2007 at 10:14 AM