johnvano.com

It's a Fix, Charlie Brown

After introducing my children to The Great Pumpkin, we watched the bonus Peanuts cartoon, You're Not Elected, Charlie Brown! In this special, Lucy conducts a straw poll and determines very quickly that Charlie Brown is not a candidate for any elected office. This is when she decides that Linus would make a great candidate for student body president.

I'm not sure how this would work--isn't Linus younger than Lucy? Or are they supposed to be twins? Charlie and Lucy are clearly of the same age, and Sally is younger than Charlie, and she zeroes in on Linus--so I figured Linus a step below... so could he really have a viable shot at a position in student government when there's a whole grade or two ahead of him?

This is why Lucy resorts to brow-beating and some very shady electoral activities. For her straw poll, she goes around school with her fist raised, asking students if they'd vote for her brother. All but the opposing candidate say "yes." Then as the election is being held, students must walk up to one of two ballot boxes which sit in front of a large chalkboard where the current vote totals are shown. So here's the first corruption: Revealing election results as they happen, affecting the vote. But what's worse--and here's where we find two items of foul play--Lucy and her gang reach into the ballot box after each vote and announce the selection as the voter is walking away from the box! So not only is one campaign manager running the election, but there is absolutely no anonimity to the contest. And wonder of wonders, Linus wins by just one vote!

Just what are we teaching the next generation?

Farewell, Edgar

My favorite major leaguer has been traded--again.

When I was a much younger man, getting my first break in a new city, I chose a young shortstop as my player of interest on the Florida Marlins. In 1996, Edgar Renteria was just starting his stellar MLB career--which would peak with a World Championship-clinching hit in 1997--and he was my guy. I even named my first houseplant for him, "Edgar." Sadly, Renteria was lost to the St. Louis Cardinals after a few years... but I cheered for him there. Then he went to the Red Sox, which delighted me as the Sox are my #1A baseball team (the Minnesota Twins are #1). He was labeled a disappointment in Boston, but fortunately, he moved to the Atlanta Braves where I could keep tabs on him and see him play in person.

But now he's gone again--off to play for his old Marlins' manager, Jim Leyland, and with his old teammate, Gary Sheffield. Bummer for me.

Mr. Mom Needs a Margarita

Took the kids and Toby to the dog park today. Lots of butt-sniffing going on there. I felt like an enabler. It was like a swinger's club for canines.

Paula is in Missouri with her family--remembering her grandfather who died over a week ago. Turns out her grandpa was a bit of an amateur writer. She's going to bring back some of his work... maybe he can guest blog for me once. Might make a nice tribute. I've come down with the nasty drips--the flu--while I'm home alone with the kiddies. No wonder Paula makes those "I'm sick" calls to me while I'm at the office... being sick and watching 5 little kids who all have a story to tell every 90 seconds, is taxing. I felt like rubber by 6:00 tonight.

You like stats? Here are some Vano family stats...

Every 5 minutes: One child will be screaming in pain (real or imagined); someone else will request a band-aid (with urgency); two will ask for a snack while one is stealing one; one will announce that they are going to the bathroom while one stands pants-down, with a soggy pull-up or full-frontal nudity staring back at you; someone will be on Webkinz, while another whines for their turn; two neighbor kids will knock on the back door and want to play (we had 7 neighbor kids in our backyard playing with our kids on Sunday); the dog will pee on the floor; the contents of the candy bowl will mysteriously drop an inch (I still can't figure out why we have a candy bowl--we're asking for trouble there); and every five minutes we're 95 minutes closer to someone being admitted to the emergency room.

With this, I'll close: Three things happened right on top of the other Sunday afternoon. 1) Marshall came running inside howling with faucets for eyes, he had fallen on his back on some sticks. After I gave him a long hug and a quick physical, he shook it off and went back outside for more. 2) Literally 4 minutes later, he comes roaring back in with the exact same pain and anguish--this time he'd fallen on his butt. 3) As I was giving him some TLC, one of the neighbors comes downstairs with, "Mr. Vano, Madison is bleeding!!" And then I see Madison, walking downstairs, her face like Edvard Munch's The Scream, blood running down her face and into her eyes. She had gashed her forehead on a cabinet as she hoisted herself up onto the counter to get some cups for her and the friend.

On the way to the ER, Madison tells us that she just knew she was going to have to go to the hospital while Mommy was gone, "But I thought it was going to be my leg," she said. "I dreamed I would twist my ankle." Then in pipes Marshall with great reverence and awe, "So it's like you had a vision?"

Letter to an Unknown Soldier

Our receptionist at the office was imploring us all to write letters to our soldiers for this Thanksgiving. I grumbled inside about the time it would take (and she wanted them in long-hand?) but as I was writing this, I felt a bit ashamed to have neglected this form of appreciation for so long.

A Yankee in King Papi's Court

Okay, the picture at right is clearly due to the wonders of Photoshop (unlike my authentic Red Sox photo from Monday). The point is, Rudy is committing a cardinal sin, shamelessly.

In case you missed the story, Rudolph (Rudy) Guliani was campaigning in Boston when he said (according to the New York Post), "I'm rooting for the Red Sox. I'm an American League fan, and I go with the American League team--maybe with (the) exception of the Mets. Maybe that would be the one time I wouldn't, because I'm loyal to New York."

This from a man who calls himself the Yankees "#1 fan" and the Yankees' "fan-in-chief." Now I'm all for the American League... I get why you'd root that way, but not when you're a big fan of the arch-enemy. Perhaps if Boston were still in its hopeless 86-year championship drought, but it's not.

Wouldn't New Englanders have more respect for the man if he had said, "Hey, you guys have a great team. I'd wish you luck, but I don't think you need it. I guess it's 'wait till next year' for my team." I mean, who is he fooling? This is the nature of sports--we bust on each other about our teams, but no one cares who you root for, just as long as you don't waffle and don't jump on the frontrunner bandwagon every year. I'm sure there was delicious for Bostonians to hear a Yankee fan slum for votes and betray his team, but wouldn't it have been better for him if he had just stood pat?

** Awesome... 13-1 BoSox victory (Beckett and all those extra-base hits!)

Just Hav'n Fun

Marshall at Hillcrest Orchards' "Apple Pick'n Jubilee" a few weeks ago. He turned 7 this past Saturday. Cooper at Jacksonville Beach, 1st Street--from this past Friday.

My girls: Emma, Madison, Halle from Jax Beach on Friday. Good times.

As If... There's a Sports Illustrated Curse

The Red Sox are going to the World Series!! What a fantastic ride it's been... especially those last three games! While in northern Florida this weekend, I saw so many Sox fans roaming around. There were at least 20 of them in Sox regalia on Sunday in St. Augustine. Then today, the manager at the Cracker Barrel in Valdosta, GA came out as a Red Sox fan. We talked about J.D. Drew--who went to high school across the street from the restaurant.

I felt a lot of support. Everyone wished me well. Now please don't talk to me--I've gotta get my nasty face on if I'm going to mow down Helton, Holliday, and the rest of the Rockies...

Oops, They Did It Again (and Again)

It seems our dog Toby is a recurring sex offender.

Today (Saturday) began with another intersection of love, but my dad was able to pull them apart before they got stuck fast. This made my mother cry (she wasn't around yesterday for part one). It took her some time before she could recover from the sight of her poor little angel dog in such straits.

And now it's just happened again--Paula, my mother, and I having to give the dogs a cold shower for 12 minutes. I aimed the cold shower nozzle straight and true at them as little Sanibel strained forward and my mom cheered her on... These two need counseling. The two dogs, that is.

Dogs Wedged Together, Man Feels 'Violated'

"I knew there was trouble when I heard the frightened screams... Frightened little dog screams." -- John Vano of Atlanta, Georgia

Orange Park, FL--It had the makings of a beautiful day for the Vano family, vacationers from Georgia. John and Paula Vano, frequent visitors to the Jacksonville area, were feeding their children breakfast, planning a day trip to the beach, and taking the dog out for a morning constitution.

"That's when I heard the screams," said Vano, "coming from the dining room." Running to check on the commotion, Vano says he was confident that their male maltipoo, Toby, had slipped back into the house to violate his mother's poodle, Sannibel. "He's been jonesing for that dog the whole year we've had him. Every time we visit, doesn't matter if he's half her size, or twice her size--like he is now," Vano said about the maltipoo.

What Vano encountered in the dining room was unlike anything he had seen before--a 6-pound dog cowering under a dining room chair as his dog sat backward against her. "I knew what was going on," he told reporters, "but couldn't figure out how he (Toby) got it backwards like that." After yelling for his maltipoo to "get off," the dog ran, dragging the small poodle behind him.

"They were still attached, he was running scared from me, dragging her along... bumping and skipping behind him. I'm afraid that I shamed him--now he must think that what he's doing was wrong. Really, that's not what I intended," said Vano.

Vano's Inbox

From fast food factoids to the significance of Shakespeare's sonnets on Goth culture, JohnVano can answer it all.

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Q: JohnVano, how would you handicap the 2008 Presidential Race?

A: I would probably use a tire iron. That is what Jeff Gillooly used, isn't it? I think if asked to handicap someone, it would probably have to be the candidate I didn't like, who had the best chance of winning. But you understand, I would only do it if asked, by my country.

Q: What are your thoughts on the new iPhone?

A: To my knowledge, my thoughts have not been placed on the iPhone. I think this is unfortunate, as I have many thoughts, and I am sure that iPhone owners would enjoy my interesting thoughts when they grew tired of watching videos or emailing friends. Perhaps they could email my thoughts to their friends who do not own an iPhone. These friends would surely want an iPhone for themselves after seeing the thoughts of mine that they were missing. I think this would be very profitable for Apple Computers.

Q: JohnVano, can Trolls ever make a comeback?

A: Much like the career of John Travolta, those disgusting, large-nostriled, hair-raising toys will continue to have cycles of popularity, followed by devastating lulls. Travolta and the Trolls are currently both in a down-cycle, though the former may be at the beginnings of a new wave, while the Trolls seem dead and buried for the time being. What is amazing about the Trolls, is the lack of innovation. Decades later, they continue to have hair of the same fabric, outstretched, hard-molded arms, and scary-looking belly buttons. But this is probably a good thing, imagine if they were invested with a sound chip or they were made into big, plush dolls? I think it might cause me to vomit.