johnvano.com

Leap Day Memo

To:     Salaried Employees
From:  The Management
Subject: Leap Year Inequities

In response to Matt's question raised at this week's staff meeting, yes, you are working one additional day this year--for the same pay. I had my secretary check this and it's true--discounting universally recognized holidays, the year 2007 contained 252 business days while the year 2008 contains 253 such days.

I assure you, this is not a strategy by "the man" to take you down. This company has not participated in known collusion with the government and planetary scientists to manipulate an extra day of labor out of you. Each and every one of you is vitally important to our success and we value your contributions every day. So much so, that we pay into your insurance coverage more than the industry standard. This is why we are urging Matt--and everyone else who is concerned about this "labor inequity"--to think of your labor today as a "tip" to your generous employer for the health care package we provide. Yes, you've gained a day this year--we all have--but that does not entitle you to spend it anywhere other than where you belong--at the office.

There are fresh arabica beans in the kitchen. Happy Leap Day.

Curtis Hofer,
HR

Carp's "American Idol" Forecast

Carp guest blogs today with his analysis of this week's male and female performances on American Idol. I'll begin my expert analysis after the early rounds are complete--from the final 12 to the winner. Play along at home.

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THE MEN
Tuesday was a great night for Davids but a horrible night for Jasons.

The Best:

• David Archuleta--The kid is head and shoulders above the rest
• David Hernandez--A nice comeback after a very shaky Week 1
• David Cook--Could be a fluke but the "word nerd" ripped the joint this week

The Worst:

• Jason Castro--On a night where a John Lennon song reigned supreme, this guy sang an Andy Gibb song. That's like pairing Boy George against Frank Sinatra. By far, the worst performance of the night. He will survive though because he is cute and likeable.
• Robbie Carrico--Is he a rocker? Is he a pop singer?  It doesn't matter. He is going home this week.
• Jason Yaeger--The Pepe Lepew of this year's competition. He is just so happy! Perhaps a spot with The Wiggles is in his future. He is going home this week.

THE WOMEN
Wednesday was not a good night for the ladies. With only one performance standing out, we were left to sift through a series of sharps, flats, and lame "One Thing You Didn't Know About Me" segments. 

The Best:

• Brooke White--A pretty good rendition of "You're So Vain". For those of you scoring at home, this was the only standout performance.
• Asia'h Epperson--The best of the worst. I wonder what the 'h means at the end of her first name?
• Kristy Lee Cook--The funny eyes were gone. She finishes third simply because I think she is cute and she was basically on key unlike many of her opponents.

The Worst:

• Amanda Overmyer--To quote my wife, "She really butchered that one didn't she?" She is going home tonight. Don't worry, though, she will find work playing Morticia on The New Addams Family.
• Alaina Whitaker--She sang "Hopelessly Devoted to You" by Olivia Newton-John. I knew Olivia Newton-John. You Alaina, are no Olivia-Newton John. She is going home tonight.
• Danny Noriega--Enough said.

Carp's elimination picks for tonight are: Robbie Carrico, Jason Yaeger, Amanda Overmyer, and Alaina Whitaker.

Why Do We Even...

... buy new toothpaste?

I mean, come on people, let's revolt against the machine! Yes, each day there is less and less toothpaste in the tube, but does it ever really completely run out? It seems like you can see the end coming four weeks in advance, but you can always roll it tighter, squeeze it harder, and get another dollop out.

I get the feeling it would never run out, if we refused to buy a new tube. Once you do that, the old tube gives up the ghost.

My Kids Pick the Oscars

I'll admit it, I'm an Oscar-phile. As a movie buff, I love to watch this one awards show--cheering for my horses and predicting the winners. Usually, I try to watch at least 70 percent of the nominated films and performers, but that's become increasingly difficult with this stage of life. Thankfully, I have a team of resident experts to help me select from this year's nominees.

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Cooper, 3-year-old provocateur. Prefers things with wheels.
Best Picture: Juno
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis
Best Actress: Laura Linney
Best Supporting Actor: Casey Affleck
Best Supporting Actress: Amy Ryan
Best Director: Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

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Emma, 5-year-old adventurer. Prefers pirates.
Best Picture: Michael Clayton
Best Actor: Johnny Depp
Best Actress: Ellen Page
Best Supporting Actor: Casey Affleck
Best Supporting Actress: Amy Ryan
Best Director: Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

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Halle, 5-year-old princess. Prefers high art.
Best Picture: Juno
Best Actor: Johnny Depp
Best Actress: Laura Linney
Best Supporting Actor: Hal Holbrook
Best Supporting Actress: Amy Ryan
Best Director: Julian Schnabel, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

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Marshall, 7-year-old builder. Favors thoughtful consideration.
Best Picture: No Country for Old Men  "It looks really cool!"
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis  "He's a good guy man"
Best Actress: Laura Linney
Best Supporting Actor: Casey Affleck  "Like the AFLAC"
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett  "Guitar!"
Best Director: Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Blood

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Madison, 8-year-old networker. Into romance.
Best Picture: Juno
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis
Best Actress: Ellen Page  "She looks like a teenager"
Best Supporting Actor: Javier Bardem  "I like the gun"
Best Supporting Actress: Amy Ryan  "I like her outfit"
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men

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John, 30-ahem-year-old writer/creator. Loves the power of story and hammy acting.
Best Picture: Atonement  "Oscar loves the literary epic"
Best Actor: Daniel Day-Lewis  "There's no one better. Period."
Best Actress: Julie Christie  "For degree of difficulty"
Best Supporting Actor: Hal Holbrook  "Poignancy wins"
Best Supporting Actress: Cate Blanchett  "Two nominations earns this win"
Best Director: Joel and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men  "Hedging my bets"

Marshallspeak

Here are a couple of things Marshall has said recently--that just make you melt:

After the kids overhear Paula and I talking about cancer and how it has struck a family we know, they ask a few questions. Then when I think everyone is satisfied with the answers, Marshall pipes in, "Daddy, would you like to pray for your friend?"
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"Daddy, I wish I had a THOUSAND dollars. Then I'd give 500 dollars to you so you wouldn't have to go to work and you could stay home with us."
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Me: "What was your favorite part about today?" Marshall: "Spending time with you." And I didn't even spend that much time with him that day, which made me wince a bit.
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Also, a few months back, one of the kittens got out and wouldn't come back in. Batman was outside under the porch all night. Hearing this, Marshall disappeared for a minute and returned in full second-layer clothing, zipping his collar up to his neck, and putting on a hat. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I'm going in." And sure enough, he crawled under that nasty porch and pulled the kitten to safety.

What an amazing kid.

Winter Thrillas

I've finished 10 books so far this year--here's a look at those competing in the "Thriller" category.

Judge & Jury (D) was an example of James Patterson at his worst. Teamed again with Andrew Gross (their collaboration on Lifeguard (D+) was only slightly better), Patterson strings together a plot filled with stock characters and moments culled from years of watching mindless movies. Here you have the mafioso on trial, his defense ("just following orders"), and his threats against a juror. And you have the juror who is--you guessed it--a single mother and aspiring actress who is undeniably attracted to the officer who caught the mafioso. When trouble rears it's head, the juror and the officer connect to bring their own brand of (yawn) justice.

You've Been Warned (C) also comes from the James Patterson factory, but it had the advantage of being co-constructed by the far superior talent, Howard Roughan (their teaming for Honeymoon was actually a fun ride). You've Been Warned has a nice hook and the characters have more flesh and bone, but it read more like an early Stephen King novel than I would have liked. This time I cared about the young protagonist, but the setting was too much of an absurdity. Though it does leave you with a bit of a chill at the end as it forces the reader to confront death and eternity.

The Overlook (B) by Michael Connelly is the true prize of these three thrillers. I have been reading Connelly's recent works featuring L.A. Detective Harry Bosch (and his stand-alone novel The Lincoln Lawyer). These are wonderful procedural who-dunits that are very nicely drawn. The Overlook is the least impressive of the Connelly novels that I have read of late (though better than my first try at his work: The Narrows), but it's a good, satisfying read that you won't want to put down until you see your way to the end. He's very good at showing you how police operations work and it's this attention to minutae that sets him apart. Also, he does an expert job of making recurring characters palatable to a new reader.

The Wheel and the Phrase

Have you ever wondered where time-tested phrases first originated? Today, I put on my historian's hat to get to the bottom of this phrase: "I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel!"

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4,042 B.C. -- Og Rock, frustrated by the resistance his octagonal-wheeled cart has on inclines, pulls over to file down the points of each wheel. Jockeying the new wheel back and forth he immediately recognizes the improvement and races to the patent office. As he pulled the cart behind him, his new wheel became smoother and faster. But when he descended the hill, the cart followed so fast that it crushed him. Bumping over Og's lifeless body, the cart rolled past Arg Sky and the Swede known as Sven. The two of them wrangled the cart, noticed the dramatic improvements to the wheel, and crafted their own line of replicas.

4,041 B.C. -- When other men grew tired of their high prices (in the wheel's hey day it went for as much as sixteen conch shells), they reinvented similar models, always careful to abide by the rules of the patent office. Arg and the Swede know as Sven attempted to halt these bootleg productions, but were told that sufficient differences were present in these reinventions to warrant their creation and sale. Unfortunately for their competitors, the adjustments always involved modifying the shape of the wheel. It was not uncommon in these days to see triangle wheels, oval wheels--even shapeless wheels. None of these reinventions worked, and all of the fledgling creators were quickly out of business. Soon, everyone could appreciate the genius of the new wheel and resigned themselves to the truth that there was no way to successfully reinvent it.

4,038 B.C. -- Years later, when a sabretooth tiger was put down because of its aggression toward humans in the dinosaur-free zone, Arg and the Swede known as Sven were revealed as frauds. The autopsy of the tiger revealed evidence of Og's remains, with carbon dating showing that the tread marks on his neck were prehistoric to Arg and the Swede known as Sven's invention. This embarrassing discovery led many frustrated wheel-inventors to proclaim, "You can't reinvent the wheel"--knowing full well the double truth of this statement. It is impossible to improve upon Og Rock's final design, and all those who try--or try to claim credit--will fail.

2,008 A.D. -- In the years since, business executives who have anticipated the scathing line, "You can't reinvent the wheel" have preempted them by using the phrase, "I'm not trying to reinvent the wheel" as a preamble for presentations of projects which may be construed as previously accomplished.

Pick Your Poison

Today is "Super Tuesday"--the day in which 20 states go to the polls to choose their representative for the Democratic and Republican nominating conventions. If you live in one of these states--as I do--then you have an important choice to make. Who will you choose to lead America?

I don't know about you... but this is my dream ticket: