johnvano.com

Now You Know My Secret Identity

I'm sure you'll think I'm crazy for saying this... but I feel like I get phantom stings whenever I walk by a buzzing bee or hornet. Am I loco?

Seriously, I'm strolling along and I spot a bee nurturing a flower, or I inch past a flutter of tiny bees doing circles in the air, and I feel little pricks along my legs. Does anyone else get this sensation? I think it might have something to do with being attacked by yellow jackets a few years ago... and now I have some kind of secretion in my veins that tingles when a bee-thing is nearby.

Perhaps it can be cultivated into a superpower?

It's Time for a Cou D'état Against Castro

Here's my song-by-song recap and ratings...

1. David Archuleta

• He rocked the house on "Caroline." He kept within his talents, but he cut the puppeteer's strings and became a real boy! Great job. 4.9
• You knew he was going to "America" tonight. More like a chant than a song. I think he needed to mix up his variety on the "America" bits, raise the intensity of each. Nice "let freedom ring" close. 4.4 
• AVERAGE SCORE= 4.65

2. Syesha Mercado

• She switched up her look completely; I like that. Nice, strong voice. A little brassy on the big notes, but very well played. She's come into her own. 4.7
• She's becoming a sweet little diva, and to think I thought she'd be one of the first out of the rejection shoot. Her voice could have used a little more strength on the big notes, but all the others were top-notch, plus her moves and attitudes. 4.5 
• AVERAGE SCORE= 4.6

3. David Cook

• Certainly improved energy over JC. He kept the Diamond vocal stylings, but made them a little breathier and edgy. Song seemed very short. 4.5
• Second song was a little all over the place. Hard to get into it; felt like he too dropped off from the opening. 4.1 
• AVERAGE SCORE= 4.3

4. Brooke White

• Nice to see her smiling again, charismatic, and free from the jitters. The song made her vocal limitations prominent. I still hold that she is te Crash Davis of the competition--just not enough juice in her skillz. 4.1
• Token appearance at the piano for song number two. Nice interpretation; played to her strengths. 4.5 
• AVERAGE SCORE= 4.3

5. Jason Castro

• He was dressed right for the first song, "Forever in Blue Jeans," but why does he always look like he's dressed for that one? Nicely done. He needed that. Simple and sweet, kind of like Jason. Score him 4.4 out of 5.
• He phoned in song number two, rocking back on his heels, narrowing his eyes so they caught the light, and singing out of the corner of his mouth. 3.9 
• AVERAGE SCORE= 4.15

PREDICTION: I'm picking Castro and Syesha in the bottom two for fan balloting. Unfortunately for us, Syesha ends her wonderful journey.

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Carp was busying playing the home version of "The Wizard of Oz." Here were his picks:

1. David Cook
2. Archie the Puppet Boy
3. Syesha Mercado
4. Brooke White
5. Jason Castro

Should Go Home: Jason Castro
Will Go Home: Brooke White

Movies of 2007: Fractured Underdogs

Since it's nearly May, I should probably finish posting my 2007 Movie Rankings, huh? Sorry about that. Here's the list (#21-#57) in more abbreviated form than I had originally planned.

Numbers 44-46, 47-52, and 53-57 were previously posted with reviews and comments. I'll do a top 20 countdown for 2007... soon.

• #21-- Fracture (B+). Well acted, well scripted, but not very memorable.
  
• #22-- The Waterhorse: Legend of the Deep (B+). A real surprise. A family movie with meat.
  
• #23-- Shrek the Third (B+). You won't believe it, but I found it the most entertaining of the "Shreks."
• #24-- The Illusionist (B). A nice, twisty caper.
  
• #25-- Breach (B). Very solid, but short on thrills.
  
• #26-- Knocked Up (B). Bawdy, creative, but too much.
• #27-- Music & Lyrics (B). Induces as many laughs as groans.
  
• #28-- Bee Movie (B). Could have been so much more. Fun look at the bee universe.
  
• #29-- Marie Antoinette (B-). I fell asleep, but it seemed good. Will revisit.
  
• #30-- Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (B-). Again, FF fell short. Took Marshall.

• #31-- The Ex (B-). Pretty funny. Jason Bateman has been resurrected.
• #32-- Half Nelson (B-). Rich story, but it was hard to care.
  
• #33-- Blades of Glory (B-). These Will Ferrell sports spoofs are getting old.
• #34-- The Simpsons Movie (B-). A miss.
• #35-- The Good Shepherd (B-). High art here, but boooooring!
• #36-- Man of the Year (B-). Nothing high art about it, but amusing in spots.
  
• #37-- Surf's Up (B-). Good try, nice alternative to Pixar.
  
• #38-- Barnyard (B-). Very odd.
• #39-- Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest (B-). These "Pirates" movies put me to sleep.
• #40-- Catch and Release (C+). Jennifer Garner was winning as always, but little else here.

• #41-- Flicka (C+). A nice family film. Alison Lohman now in her 3rd decade as "a kid"
• #42-- The Shaggy Dog (C+). I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. Tim Allen.
• #43-- For Your Consideration... (C). These Christopher Guest films need more structure.

The Brooke White Dilemna (American Idol Review)

John Vano: What to do about Brooke? Clearly, she is the most fractured, broken performer remaining. She has become shaky and unreliable and has been in the bottom two for at least two weeks running. All signs point to her having an exit tonight. But then we must consider her popularity: Has she been splitting her votes with Kristy Lee? Will her fan votes double this week with KLC out of the competition? What kind of sympathy votes will she receive because of her start/stop mess last night? All things to consider.

1. Carly Smithson--I knew she had it in her. She finally had an unquestionable hit last night. It may have been the performance of the year. She nailed it, and a star is born. Too bad it was on that terrible song. Rate her 4.9 out of 5.
2. David Cook--He's a chameleon. Unlike Archie, he sounds different depending on the song. Great dramatics. Why can he sing a ballad and be so infinitely more interesting than snoozy Archuleta? Rate him 4.8.
3. David Archuleta--The song was right in his wheelhouse. I'd like to see them force him to sing punk or rap or country for once. His sameness is killing me. Well done, and I enjoyed him a bit more than usual. Score him 4.6.
4. Syesha Mercado--She keeps getting better. She could easily finish third in this thing, but I'm not sure she has the fan support. This was a well-rounded performance for her. Score her 4.5.
5. Brooke White--A nice job handling the tenderness of the song, and gave it a strong finish. Listening to her you realize her stuff just isn't major league... more like Triple-A. Call her Crash Davis. Rating this week 4.2.
6. Jason Castro--Did he sound like a dolt in his pre-performance videos, or what? He's riding on pure fan power now... how far will it take him? I didn't feel like the message of the song came forth from this performance. Score him 4.0.

Gentle reader, I want you to be aware of how many pitfalls there are in handicapping this race. I could easily follow my personal opinion and tell you that Jason is gone while Brooke and Syesha are in the bottom three, but I'm committed to telling you in advance what America thinks, so here goes. PREDICTION: Brooke goes home. Syesha and Jason are in the bottom three.

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Carp is on tour this week with Petra and a George W. Bush impersonator. He phoned in his picks after watching YouTube. Here's how he ranks them:

1. Syesha Mercado
2. David Cook
3. Carly Smithson
4. Archie the Puppet Boy
5. Brooke White
6. Jason Castro

CARP'S PREDICTIONS: Should Go Home: Brooke White; Will Go Home: Brooke White

Death Becomes Me

I really wasn't ready to die. Yet death seemed preferable to an uncertain future with a vacuum hose blasting air up my nose. Yes my friends, I trudged back to the sleep center last night (now that I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea) to be fitted for a breathing treatment that I'll have to wear for the rest of my earthly life!

It was like being Goldilocks for a moment--choosing between the snug nose seal, the roomier seal, and the seal that covered my nose and my mouth. Each device straps around the top of your head, with straps that stretch and connect at the front of your breathing orifices. I chose the one that was "just right"--knowing full well that any one of them was torture. I admitted to my medical concierge that I think I'm a bit of a mouth-breather, and that  very few things bother me, but feeling like I can't breath is at the top of the "bother me" list.

I had a half hour to relax and get comfortable with my breathing mask, which was hooked up to a hose, coming out of tabletop suction machine. It was uncomfortable, but the lights were on and I had a good book, so it was bearable. Then I was wired up like my first time in the clinic--with gummy wires coming off my face, my forehead, my scalp, my chest, and my legs. When it went dark, I couldn't relax, freaked out as I was by this very invasive tube. I couldn't figure out how to breath, I felt like I was holding my breath (had to keep my mouth shut), trying hard to create a rhythm so I could fall asleep.

Some time later and I was awakened. The EKG wires were sliding along the ends of my chest hair and not giving a reading. Imagine with me: you're in a strange place, you feel like you're laying on the bottom of an aquarium with an air thingy on, you don't know how you managed to fall asleep, but somehow you did... and someone comes into the room, wakes you up, and yanks the hair off your chest--tugging at the gummy wires so she can stick them somewhere else on your chest... I wanted to scream!

I'm So Money

For my next trick (I'm blindfolded right now)... I will give you the finishing order of the final contestants on American Idol. Yes I know, I don't have to do this, but I want to help... I know the suspense is killing you.

6) Syesha Mercado -- Mercado gets drilled tonight by the judges. America listens and obeys.
5) Carly Smithson -- Carly may have a better future than most of this list, but she hasn't completely gelled yet on A.I.
4) Jason Castro -- The weeping girls of our nation carry him farther than he deserves.

3) Brooke White -- With Kristy Lee gone, Brooke's voting pool becomes stronger.
2) David Archuleta -- Archuleta fatigue sets in, and the early favorite finishes second. I'd push him third, but no one else is a threat.
1) David Cook -- Unless he gets too strange, he should win it all.

Best Popular Fiction I've Read This Year

My 2008 book total is now up to 16. Here are three of my favorites so far this year...

The Bone Garden by Tess Gerritsen
A recent divorcee unearths a skeleton in her backyard, opening the window to a mysterious 19th century murder spree. Centered around a Boston medical school in 1830, the plot involves  four medical students (one is Oliver Wendell Holmes), immigrant sisters from Ireland, a highly coveted baby, gravediggers, and a serial killer. This very readable thriller provides a fascinating introduction to the medical science of the early 19th century, while lavishing the reader with a page-turning story. There is nothing grisly or untoward about the content--it is told from the perspective of two plucky young women (one in the 1830s and one in the present). It's almost the perfect read. Grade: A-

Anonymous Lawyer by Jeremy Blachman
What would a pompous attorney sound like if he had a blog? Anonymous Lawyer answers that question and more as the reader is taken deep into the ego and insecurities of a hiring partner at a fictitious law firm. Told entirely from his Web posts and e-mails, this creative POV never limits the story or feels old, but the laughs are consistent and satisfying. An entertaining comic novel from page one. Grade: A

New Bedlam by Bill Flanagan
A top-flight television producer is fired when his network reality show faces controversy. The executive races to find a new job before word leaks of his firing, but must settle for a small, family-owned network based in Rhode Island. The stations are owned by a "new money" mogul who knows nothing about television. Awkward comedy ensues as the moguls' son, stepson, and daughter--each with their own vanity channel--fight the new executive's ideas, before claiming them as their own. Grade: A-

Syesha: Solid Gold or Fool's Gold? (An A.I. Report)

John Vano: Here's how I see it--sorry this took so long to post today. Jason Castro was the worst performer of the night--another mailed-in performance. He reminded me of Chris Robinson on downers. He tried to recreate the buzz from his work last week--3.9 out of 5. Carly was slightly better. I liked what she was bringing to the table, but it seemed too "talky". She didn't seem to hold her notes long enough. She was close, but not cigar--4.2.

I think Kristy Lee Cook showed once again that she's in it to win it, and she just might have enough support for a third place finish. She has steadily improved, but I thought last night's performance last consistency and brilliance. I liked her poise and the country stylings she brought to the song. A dry start that got much better by the end--4.2. Brooke White wasn't much better. There was a nice quality to her voice, but she was shaking like a shivering puppy throughout. A little talky--4.3

Archie put forth is typical ballad--professionally delivered, but dull. I found everyone but Castro more entertaining--4.4. David Cook put forth a nice attempt. I wasn't crazy about all his runs, but I dug the rock bit--4.4 I found Syesha to be stunningly good--and she stole the show for me. She looked great and had some nice expressions to go with her song. I felt it. Great runs--4.8.

Predictions: Carly ends her journey. Brooke and Kristy Lee are in the bottom three tonight.

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Carp: With all due apologies to my devoted readers, I am unable to provide a comprehensive report for last night's proceedings on American Idol. I had another commitment that prevented me from watching the show live.  Normally, I break down the film frame by frame to arrive at my startling, sometimes life changing conclusions. I was unable to do that this week and for that I am sorry. However, due the modern marvel of YouTube I was able to watch all of the performances later on last night.  This week our contestants were mentored by Mariah Carey and surprise, surprise, sang Mariah Carey songs. Here is my abbridged assessment of the proceedings:

THE BEST

Archie the Puppet Boy--"When You Believe". I see a mano o' mano gun duel developing for the finals.  It is quite clear to me that Archie the Puppet Boy (doesn't he look like a puppet? [Vano says: That's my observation!]) and David Cook are on a collision course to be the next American Idol.  It will be David vs. David but who will be Goliath and take the fall?  Archie was outstanding in his performance and even went into a falsetto at the end that drove the young girls wild.  It was like when you blow one of those high pitched dog whistles and your pooch goes into hysterics.  Archie has the same effect on any girl under the age of 16 and Paula Abdul.

David Cook--"Always be My Baby".  He's baaaack! "Cookie" turned up the heat on Archie the Puppet Boy with a grunge version of this Mariah Carey classic.  Cookie appeared much less smug and downright humble last night as he accepted limited criticism from the judges.  Randy even stood up and said "Dawg!"

Kristy Lee Cook--"Forever".  I must say, I needed a little KLC last night and I received it from a very solid performance from American Idol's favorite whipping girl.  You read it here first, and probably a hundred other places on the Internet, but Kristy Lee has absolutely no chance of winning the competition.  Yet, she continues to hang in there and could conceivably finish as the second best female for the year.

THE WORST

Syesha Mercado--"Vanishing".  For once the "Great Imitator" picked an excellent song that fit her perfectly -- she will likely "vanish" from the show this week.  As always, Syesha blasted and wailed her way through another torch song.  You could tell by the look on her face that she thought she had just discovered the recipe for cold fusion.  Unfortnately, her song had Simon breaking out in a cold sweat.  For whatever reason, Syesha seems unwilling to take the judges criticism as she sings the same basic song week after week.   I think Syesha has run out of weeks.

Brooke White--"Hero".  It was an off night for Brooke -- maybe she was still upset for missing her sister's wedding.  Whatever the cause, I do applaud her for being the only person to use an instrument.  Brooke seemed to struggle whenever she tried to put intensity in her voice and came across like she was just going through the motions.)

Jason Castro--"I Don't Wanna Cry".  The problem was I did want to cry after throwing away three minutes of my life for this.  I think Randy said it best when he delivered one of the better lines of the season -- "You sounded like some distant luau at another party up the beach."  Even though Jason was the worst, he has a legion of adoring fans to keep him in the competition.)

Predictions: Should Go Home Tonight--Syesha Mercado. Will Go Home Tonight--Syesha Mercado

Carp's note:  Since we are down to seven contestants, Carly Smithson is the only person who was not mentioned in this report.  For the first time this year, she received no backing vocals from her tattooo (Carly wore long sleeves).

The Year in Baseball

This is a very non-analytic prediction of this year's baseball season. If I studied the line-ups and went four deep with the rotations and assessed the bullpens and benches, I might conclude otherwise; but this is merely for sport and discussion. So I go with my gut:
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American League Winners
East: Boston Red Sox
Central: Cleveland Indians
West: Texas Rangers
Wild Card: Detroit Tigers

I know the season has begun and Baltimore leads the East while the Tigers have just one win, but I'm trying to ignore these early trends. And who picks the Rangers--ever? Their pitching is suspect, but somebody needs to stop the Angels this year, so why not them?
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National League Winners
East: Atlanta Braves
Central: St. Louis Cardinals
West: Colorado Rockies
Wild Card: Arizona Diamondbacks

The Braves are losing a lot of one run games already this year, but give me their lineup and pitching v. the Mets or Phillies. The Rockies and D'backs make 2008 look like 2007 all over again.
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Here are two teams that could surprise: Minnesota Twins (may win 85 games) and Pittsburgh Pirates.

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The Playoffs
ALDS: Red Sox over Tigers; Indians over Rangers
NLDS: Diamondbacks over Cardinals; Braves over Rockies

ALCS: Indians over Red Sox
NLCS: Braves over Diamondbacks
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The Politically Incorrect Series: The Braves beat Chief Wahoo's Gang 4 games to 3.

A Tale of Two Cooks

John Vano: It was a tight competition this week--with everyone landing pretty squarely in the middle. Some were high average, while others were low average. No performer knocked me back or inspired me as their song selections did for them. The clear winner was Kristy Lee Cook, stringing together three weeks of solid singing, and leading the pack this week. Meanwhile, "The Other Cook" dumped on us all.

Chris Carp: It was a night of Biblical proportions where the last shall be first and the first shall be last. Given the assignment to sing a song that inspired them, our rascally Idols ran the gamut from Aerosmith to Carly Simon to a Hawaiian interpretation of a Wizard of Oz classic. When the smoke cleared, we were left scratching our collective heads: Was David Cook really that bad and was Kristy Lee Cook really that good? 

John Vano Ranks 'Em

1. Cook One: The Reinvention of Kristy Lee Cook! My five-year-old (Emma) said: "She looks good and she sings good." 4.4 points
2. Syesha: A lot of pageantry and she was swallowed up by the noise, but she turned in a well-executed number. 4.2
3. Brooke: Sweetly conveyed and she made it her own. She's back. 4.2
4. Archuleta: I knew he'd phone in something boring and overwrought, but he performed it flawlessly. 4.1
5. Castro: Not memorable, but sweet. He survives on his charm, but doesn't seem to put in the time. 4.1
6. Johns: Not his best, but solid. Nice screech at the end. 4.0
7. Carly: Is she going through the annual Idol Transformation?--looking better. What's with the Wonder Woman bracelets? 3.9
8. Cook Two: I kept thinking Mike Myers. The audience wasn't sure what to do on this one, they wanted to groove and clap but couldn't. 3.7

PREDICTION: The bottom three vote getters (unless Idol Gives Back and they all stay): David Cook, Syesha, and Carly. Carly goes home.

Carp's Top Three

1. Kristy Lee Cook with "Anything"--Our cellar dweller girl went from rags to riches in less than two minutes. She looked great, her eyes sparkled due to the heavy amount of that sparkly eye shadow she was wearing, and she powered through her song with aplomb (today's word of the week). Simon even said she looked like a star. However, is it enough to keep Kristy Lee in the competition? With the exception of Syesha, all of her Chikeze/Ramiele security blankets are gone. Could the night's best singer be sent home?
2. Jason Castro with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"--Jason singing with a ukelele completed my image of him as a singing Adam Sandler. I just needed to see him yell, "Zippity-Doo!" at the end of his song. He distinguished himself with his Pee Wee Herman pose on the stool and the ladies blouse he was wearing. Seriously, he did a nice job with a Hawaiian arrangement of this Judy Garland classic.
3. Syesha Mercado with "I Believe"--I believe Syesha has a bad case of copycat-itis. Last week she regaled us with her Whitney Houston impression, this week it was Fantasia. She does a really good job of imitating others musical styles but doesn't do anything to separate herself. If she keeps this up she will likely be opening for Rich Little and Fred Travalena on "Impressionist Night" in Las Vegas very soon. Technically, Syesha sang the song very well. Charismatically, she came across like a robot in desperate need of reprogramming. Syesha is worthy of a third place finish but the distant drums of elimination are starting to beat a bit louder.

Carp's Bottom Three

1. Michael Johns with "Dream On"--I misspoke last week when I said Michael looked dapper in his crimson ascot, it is actually a cravat he wears around his neck. Last night, he donned the neckware of the financially elite again. As for his performance, it is never a good sign when Paula is comparing your singing to her pet chihuahua, but she was right with her assessment. Michael's rendition of this Aerosmith classic was for the dogs. He made Steven Tyler seem like Frank Sinatra.
2. Carly Smithson with "The Show Must Go On"--It will go on but I'm not sure if Carly is going to part of it for much longer. Carly looked like she was in pain (lady tattoo was) as she wretched and kvetched her way through this Queen staple. It was a very disconnected performance for me. It had a good beginning, average middle, and horrific ending. If Carly was a cat she may have just used her ninth life.
3. David Cook with "Innocent"--The wrong Cook finished last! From first to worst, David was a mess last night largely due to an increasing display of arrogance on his part. He thinks he can do no wrong at this point in the competition. A bit of advice to you: stop reading your press clippings! David went a little Bono on us at the end of his song when he thrust his palm up to the camera. On it was written the phrase, "Give Back". Based on his hideous performance he should have scribbled, "Please Vote Me Off."  However, he has built up enough currency to get a pass this week.

PREDICTION: Should Go Home Tonight: Kristy Lee Cook (based on six weeks of mediocrity leading up to this). Will Go Home Tonight: Carly Smithson (she is not well liked by viewers due to her recording deal and she just made it easier for folks with her poor performance.