Dolly Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Vano Speaks: Last night on American Idol, there was a connectivity problem on the part of our finalists. Many sounded technically proficient, but few sounded emotionally authentic in their renditions from the Dolly Parton oeuvre. The genre was in Kelly Lee Cook's wheelhouse, but she fell short. Brooke White also failed to emote as expected. Top marks go to Michael Johns for going beyond Dolly, to Syesha for forging Dolly with Whitney, and to Carly for her great, plaintive vocals.

According to Carp: It was "Dolly Parton Night" on the show. I don't know what it is about her that scares me, but she does. She is a brilliant songwriter, effervescent performer, and a genuinely sweet person; however, every time I see her she looks more and more like those little old blue-haired ladies who wear too much make-up. You know the kind, so much make-up that the lipstick is stuck to their teeth. On a positive note, I am happy to report that no one sang "9 to 5". That is a song that is permanently branded into my brain from the early 1980s.

TOP MARKS

Michael Johns singing "All Wrong But It's All Right"
Vano: Good vocal quality. He made us forget Dolly, which was kind of the point. The song didn't have as much of a story as I would have liked, but he sang it well. Great finish. Score him 4.6 out of 5
Carp: Michael has really been emerging the last two or three weeks. The Australian crooner blasted a bluesy rendition of this country treat and won the Thurston Howell III Award for his dapper looking burgundy ascot.

David Archuleta singing "Smoky Mountain Memories"
Vano: I don't like watching him (the little puppet thing), but his voice is great. He gave us a strong performance, though it lacked originality. Solidly classic. Score: 4.4
Carp: Dolly was quivering like a giddy schoolgirl as she listened to the boy wonder deliver a heapin' helpin' of Tennessee home cookin'. David also fared well in the actual competition as he drove the young girls wild--will it be long before the camera pans to the girl who cried her eyes out for Sanjaya? Just wondering … if you become a member of the David Archuleta fan club can you call yourself a member of "Archi Nation?"

David Cook singing "Little Sparrow" 
Vano: Nice mood set with this one. The song had a great smoky quality, but I wish he would have rocked. Score: 4.3
Carp: MEDICAL ALERT--David had to be rushed to the hospital after last night's competition with heart palpitations. Rumor has it that he got into Paula's stash of happy medicine. Dolly and Paula thought David's voice was beautiful like a rainbow. He wove a crafty falsetto into the tapestry of his voice which offset a tuft of hair that was sticking straight up in the air (his homage to Horton Hears a Who).

MIXED REVIEWS

Brooke White singing "Jolene"
Vano: Nice to have the audience participation, the clapping crowd made a nice additional instrument--was that planned? She played this one too technically, without enough heart. Her performance more than any summed up the failure of the contestants to really connect with the material. The ending redeemed it. Score: 4.0
Carp: Brooke really wasn't that bad but she finished seventh on my scorecard for the evening. She didn't allow herself to become part of the song. It came across as more of a recitation without any sort of emotional attachment. Rest assured, Dolly poured her soul into writing this song about the cow girl next door who stole her boyfriend, unfortunately, Brooke did not. The Paula quote of the night came from Brooke's performance when she said, "You are Brooke White." Really?

Kristy Lee Cook singing "Coat of Many Colors"
Vano: Not enough personality of freshness on display here--her best effort was to go barefoot beneath an overly long dress, too bad this is a singing competition. She was rote and even seemed to be missing something--could she hear herself all right? Good finish. My wife gave her high marks. In the voting (which is all that matters), I see her just missing the bottom three this week. Score: 3.9
Carp: Kristy Lee was no Joseph last night although I'm sure there were a few viewers who wanted to tear her coat and throw her in a pit. This was Kristy Lee's big chance--the country girl sings Dolly Parton on Country Night. Not so fast. The self proclaimed horse whisperer's performance fell flat. At one point her facial contortions made it look like she was about to lose her cookies--enough said. I do give Kristy Lee high marks though for her strategically positioned rhinestones.

VANO'S OTHER RATINGS:

• Syesha--Where'd she get all that hair last night? Nice touch, style points for her look and presence. She played it safely between Dolly and Whitney, but her downfall was she didn't make us forget either one. Well done, great close, but a dangerous song to attempt. Score: 4.5
• Carly--The music was way too loud, and almost drown her out. Her voice sounded great. First time that I've liked her. Her staccato pacing was a little odd in the middle. Score: 4.4
• Jason Castro--His tone was funny. I thought he could have been a lot better. I liked what he was trying to do, but he didn't execute. His lyrics were hard to hear. Score: 4.1

THE WORST

Ramiele Mulabay singing "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind"
Vano: Hokey. She showed nice spunk, was better than I expected, but still not great. Score: 3.7
Carp: To answer the question implied by her song choice... No. Her performance was insignificant and she is quickly becoming an afterthought. Ramiele, you're a cute kid but it could be curtains for you tonight.

FEARLESS PREDICTIONS

Vano: I'm sticking with Ramiele as the biggest loser (she should have been booted last week). Also in the bottom three (for votes): Jason Castro and Syesha.
Carp: Should go home tonight--Ramiele. Will go home tonight--Ramiele. I'm really going out on a limb here but I've been wrong so many times on Kristy Lee that I have come to believe she might win it all based on her country girl charm.

Comments

[Darnell Lamb]

John, that's Kristi Lee not Kelly Lee. Makes me long for the days I spent on the road with Kathy Lee ....

[johnvano]

Carp claims he got the bottom three right (KL Cook, Ramiele, and Brooke all received his lowest scores). This however was his opinion, not his prediction. I cannot in good conscience score this in his favor. His score last night is 4 points for Ramiele's finish and exit.

My score is also 4 points last night for Ramiele's finish and exit. My total score after two weeks (top 10 results) is 5 points.

[johnvano]

Carp protests:
These are the people who I believe should have been in the bottom three for a variety of reasons. I also use a scoring system and then weigh that with the current popularity climate to arrive at my final judgement. I knew that Kristy turned in a performance that was likely worthy of a fifth or sixth place finish but knew Jason and Brooke would finish higher than her. Therefore, I slipped her into the 8th spot for the week.

If I was choosing who I thought should be in the bottom three based solely on performance it would have been Brooke, Jason, and Ramiele. But that is not how American Idol works my friend. If it was, Sanjaya would have been the first person out last year.

Vano Response:
I'll allow it. Score Carp 6 points this week.

Totals to date: Carp 6; Vano 5

[J. Andree]

Dolly lost her voice years ago but somebody forgot to tell her.