johnvano.com

Smell Something?... It's Only Cheech & Chong Reuniting

The rope-a-dope duo of Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong are together again--teaming up for a comedy tour after 25 long years of incompatibility. The reunion makes me think of other duos that should pony it up and reunite. America demands it.

The Coreys (Feldman and Haim) have already hooked up on reality TV...

But what about Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding ...?

Or Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges (unhip parental guardian not included)...?

  

A guy can dream, can't he?

Congratulations Pavarotti...

...You've reclaimed the coveted title of "Most Annoying Pet."

There's been some stiff competition for you in our house over the past few years, what with that dog that liked to drag his doggie parts along the floor and nip at the hand of our youngest son, Cooper. Oh, and remember the cat who refused to use a litter box? Yeah, he had you out of the running for awhile, didn't he? And we mustn't forget the one-legged gerbil who nervously chewed his own cartilage... those were some competitors, weren't they?

But now that these family friends have all gone on to new homes and Habitrails in the sky, you've got your old plaque back. So keep mewing at my door when I'm tucked into bed, demanding that I watch you eat, and aggressively tapping at the window to come inside... that's your thing, and nobody does it better.

Here's to you, Pavarotti. With all my love.

"Albert Pujols, I'd like a Frosty, please!"

I started reading Yogi Berra's book, Ten Rings: My Championship Seasons, and found this far-out factoid: Berra had just won the league MVP award as the Yankees' catcher (in 1951) and got a job with Phil Rizzuto (the team's shortstop) as salesmen at a men's store in Newark. Rizzuto had won the league MVP the season before (1950). This was back in the day when pro ballplayers had to make extra money in the off-season. Can you imagine shopping for a suit and having Jimmy Rollins (2007, NL) and Ryan Howard (2006, NL) measuring you? Or Alex Rodriguez (2007, AL) wearing a sandwich board out front while Justin Morneau (2006, AL) works the cash register inside?

In fact, Yogi measured the sleeve of a 10-year-old kid that off-season and the punk ribbed him with, "Be careful, Yogi. Don't misjudge this like you did that foul ball on Ted Williams."

You may be wondering why I'm reading a book by a Yankee, but the answer is simple: I'm a baseball history fan, and I don't know much about Yogi's on-field acumen, so I was interested. The guy has written a lot of books... but judging from this one, they're not terribly insightful or developed. The book supposedly chronicles his great string of successes (10 World Series titles, 14 WS personal records, 3 MVP awards), but he writes perhaps two pages on each World Series. Very odd.

Author's note: I promise this is not becoming a baseball-only blog. If you miss my antics, read "If I Were a Silverback" from the archives.

The Braves Turn It Around This Weekend

The Atlanta Braves are struggling--but there's no need to throw in the towel or trade Mark Teixeira. The Braves are within reach (see my scenario below) and don't need prospects--just look at the great young talent playing every day for the injured stars. If anything, the Braves need to trade a future star for a solid pitcher or outfielder... to be buyers, not sellers.

If the Braves can sweep the Phillies this weekend, I'll allow the Marlins and Mets one win a piece. This will move the Braves from 6.5 games out to 4.5 games out. They'd improve to 51-53 and be within 1.5 games of Philadelphia, 2.5 games of Florida, and remain in play for the postseason.

Rookie sensation Jair Jurrjens (9-5, 3.22 ERA) and Jorge Campillo (5-4, 2.83) need to win--very doable. The X factor is whether the Braves can top Philly when Jo-Jo Reyes (3-9, 4.95) faces Cole Hamels (9-6, 3.11) on Saturday. We'll see.

"I Was Wrong"

Get ready for "a very special episode" of johnvano.com...

I've changed a lot in the past fifteen years (thanks, Wendy for turning me inward) and in many ways I've become the antithesis of what I once was.

1. I never thought for a moment that I'd lose my beautiful hair. Sure, I knew I'd go gray and then white, but never imagined it would thin. Now I'm actually checking the colony every so often to see how many more have migrated to the suburbs.

2. I never thought I'd become a southerner. Though I'm sure I'll never be fully accepted (besides, I like hedging my arguments with, "Well I'm from the north..."), I'm pretty sure I never want to go back. I love the midwest, upstate New York, New England... all the places I've lived and visited; but there's something wonderful about never wearing a jacket or shoveling a driveway that resonates with me. The south also has an identity, unity, and history unlike the north which is broken up into little fiefdoms. I like the friendliness and the no-frills attitude and the association with faith that the south offers.

3. I never thought I'd like country music, but now it's the only thing I listen to. Country music was lame, backward, and hokey, but it grew up and so did I--and now were best friends. I remember sitting on the couch with my roommate in Syracuse, watching the Country Music Televison, discussing "country people" while the screen flickered with line dancers. We sat and puzzled over these boot-wearing bubbas like they were from another planet.

4. I was wrong about Jimmy Carter, too. But give me a break, I was only 7. All the kids at the bus stop came from families that had voted for him on that fall morning in 1976, so I coughed into my arm and confessed that while my parents voted for Ford, I would have voted for Carter. And that's the last time I ever made a mistake with my presidential vote (wink).

5. Excluding the days when they were pathetic and I was apathetic, I've always hated the Atlanta Braves. Until the last two years, that is. They had the gall to call themselves "America's Team," which just doesn't sit right with me (see Dallas Cowboys, New York Yankees for more bloated gall), and then when I lived in Florida--they always stood in the way of the Marlins. After I moved to Atlanta in 2000, I kept on hating them and laughed at the griping fans who just couldn't handle division-winning baseball that fell short of the World Series (try living in Kansas City). But my heart grew soft--the young guns coming up had nothing to do with those old teams, my long-distance relationships (Twins, Red Sox, Marlins) were challenging to keep up with and I wanted a team to love that was close to home. It was Fan Fest 2007 that finally changed me. Now I watch or listen to some part of every game.

6. I was wrong about God. Growing up evangelical, I thought there were two ways to see Him (my apologies for simplifying this to the point of caricature)--as passive or patrician. By passive, I mean that I had the impression that God had stepped into time, done His stuff, and left me with the work to do: believe, receive, reap, and rejoice... and by patrician, I mean that I thought the other half was luxuriating in God's favor, adopted, but living like prodigals. I grew up thinking there were active sinners and perfect saints, and while I looked like one of the saints, I knew I was a sinner anyway.

Then slowly, the whole point of Jesus' death and resurrection started to dawn on me--yes, I knew that His work took care of my sin, but for some reason I thought my sin would be gone forever. What I didn't realize was that my battle with sin would continue, but my relationship with God would not start and stop during the battle--it would remain constant, even grow. I began to see that God has an active plan in the world--and in my life--that I have very little to do with. Sure, it looks like I'm making all the decisions, but I don't think that's the case so much anymore. Now I know that He's driving this bus, and though it might go faster or slower depending on my surrender, I'm not doing anything to alter His course.

So that's what I've learned, where I've come from, and where I was wrong... for now.

I Have an Owie (sp?)

This photo was taken 37 hours after I burned my lip and chin with a hot burrito.

It took the skin off and it hurts--both on the inside and the outside. Would you remember me in your prayers?

 

John McCain. Ever Heard of Him?

I've seen this man before... but who is he again?

John McCain has compiled a video tribute to the purported media lovefest for Barack Obama. It's amusing and familiar.

So how's an old white guy supposed to get any love these days? I know he's not The Most Interesting Man in the World, but he's running for office, too. Perhaps he'll get around to naming his veep so he can get a little attention again.

The Most Interesting Man in the World (Besides Me)

Recently, The Most Interesting Man in the World replaced The Burger King as my favorite product or franchise mascot. There is a Zorro-like quality to this character, who was created with the feel of a mythic personality that's become legendary and been exaggerated for 200 years. The concept is genius. Perhaps you've seen the TV ads or heard the radio spots.

• Every time he goes for a swim, dolphins appear
• Years ago, he built a city out of blocks. Today, over 600 thousand people live and work there.
• His charm is so contagious, vaccines have been created for it.
• He's the only man to ace a Rorschach Test.

...and on and on it goes. Just clever. He's the mascot for Dos Equis' adult beverage. I also think his laid back endorsement, "I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis" is cool--like he could care less, he's got better things to do, but yeah, I'll throw a nod their way because they make the finest. (Author's note: I don't think I'd ever heard of this company before the ads).

Nothing against the King, he's still in my heart; but let's be honest, he's not the King anymore. More like the court jester. Or even better, T.MIM (The Most Interesting Man...) could be Lancelot to Burger King's Arthur.

My top ten all-time mascot list:

1. The Most Interesting Man in the World
2. The Burger King - Reviving a creepy mascot from the past as an even creepier one today? Priceless.
   
3. Colonel Sanders - Lesson one in bridging an emotional connection to your product.
4. Pop'n Fresh (The Pillsbury Doughboy) - I see it coming a mile away, but that giggle makes me laugh.
5. The Fry Guys - In their time, they were manic comedy gold.
6. Mrs. Butterworth - My syrup's alive! Way cool effect for the 1970's kid.
7. Kool-Aid Man - The dude was a superstar... back in the day.
8. Taco Bell Chihuahua - He got annoying, but who among us doesn't talk like that still?
9. The Sun (Jimmy Dean Sausage) - Love his exasperation: "I get up to heat and light the earth... what's your excuse?"
10. Mr. Whipple - An all-timer. Jealously guards the integrity of Charmin, but a closet squeezer.

You'll Be Smitten with Your Slanket!

Don't you hate it when you're out on a walk with "a friend or lover" and your bulky mittens keep you apart? Because there's nothing quite like skin-to-skin contact on a blustery day, someone invented the smitten.

The smitten allows you to keep your hands warm, while warming each other's hearts. They come in all sizes--so kids can wear them, too. But you better know what you're doing when you leave the house together--one smitten package contains everything you see here--and nothing more. So keep your conversation light, frothy, and romantic--or you might find yourself uninvited from the smitten, with one naked hand shivering its way back home.

The slanket, meanwhile, operates with a different agenda. Who cares about anyone else when you can be wrapped up in your own personal cocoon of comfort? Now you can be a man about the couch, fully mobile, toasty, and stylish. Clothing beneath is optional. Winter is closer than you think--order now!

Would Judas Date Brenda or Kelly?

I got a kick out of the cast list for the new, The Word of Promise audio Bible. It just won Christian book of the year from the Christian Book Awards, so I'm sure it's good--but Luke Perry as Judas?

Several years ago I asked for The New Living Translation on audio CD so that I could listen to the Bible on my commute--but I didn't care for it (not the Bible, silly, the narration). The skilled narrator was a bore, and there was something dispassionate about hearing it in someone else's voice. I feel more connected to the text--and to God's still, small voice--when I'm actually doing the reading for myself.

So how will Luke Perry come across as Judas? Will I imagine Dylan Michael McKay or will I hear one of history's most conflicted--and ultimately lost--souls?

Another performance that trips me up is Richard Dreyfuss as Moses. Dreyfuss has become such a brand that, though he can outperform many actors, you never forget you're watching Richard Dreyfuss. Putting Dreyfuss in the Bible might be like having a bottle of Coke at the Last Supper.

You'll also meet Bo Duke (John Schneider) as James, the "bride" of Brad Paisley and "daughter" of Steve Martin, Kimberly Williams-Paisley as Mary the mother of Jesus, Mickey Spillane (Stacy Keach) as Paul, Vinny's assistant (Marisa Tomei) as Mary Magdalene, La Bamba (Lou Diamond Philips) as Mark, and a ghostbuster (Ernie Hudson) as Peter. Fittingly, Jim Caviezel plays Jesus.

Of course, I haven't heard the thing yet, so what is it called that I'm doing? Oh yeah, pre-judging something, or prejudice. But that's kind of the point of blogging... exploring and exposing my "hmmm moments." The thing has got me curious...