johnvano.com: I Did It! I Confess!

Did you hear about the would-be ice cream truck driver who agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a little KFC? If you're going to murder someone, my preference is for you to come clean about, and if it takes a little finger lick'n goodness to put you in a confessing mood--I'm all for it. It just makes me wonder what I would "cop to" if given the proper motivation.

* For a large Coke Zero from Zaxby's: I'd tell you I was the little guy who supplied the older kids with the 100 frogs they used to fill the girls' dorm at family camp in Minnesota. Though my dad figured it was me, I never apologized to the girls like I was supposed to... So today I'll say, "If my actions offended you" I'm very, very sorry.

* For a 16-piece Popeye's chicken banquet: I'd admit that yes, I was the ringleader of the Hee Haw Gang at family camp in Upstate New York back in the late 1980's. Though you never caught me! Ten or so of us would sneak out of our dorms and meet up in the cornfields... prowling around and staying one step ahead of the search parties. Sometimes we'd go to the forbidden town of Ithaca, then sneak my car in the back way with the lights turned off. But mostly, it was fun to watch everyone searching for us. The only place they ever found me was back asleep in my bed.

* For some prime rib from Texas Roadhouse: You have my guarantee that I'd call every William Perry in the Skaneatles, New York phone book and apologize for any emotional distress caused by my mid-1980's prank call, "Is this the Fridge?"

* For a large sub from LaSpada's: I'd admit to all the freshman women during my first year of college that Xavier McDoo was a fictional character and not actually a shy transfer student holed up on Ground Shields.

* Here's a two-fer... for a rich chocolate shake from Jack's Old Fashion Hamburgers: I'd admit to my first radio station that I used to take naps between 5 and 5:30 a.m. on the overnight shift. Or, I'd tell my second radio job that I used to put music CDs on a loop so I could run to the store for dinner after the place emptied out about 7 p.m.

* For a full menu meal at Pollo Tropical: I'd admit that on a snowy day in Syracuse when I woke at noon to find my car buried up to its rooftop in snow, most of the roads closed, and no active bus lines that, yeah, if I'd really, really tried I could have probably dug my way out and made it to the station in time for my shift that night. I just needed a snow day like everyone else.

* Finally, for a lifetime's supply of Ben & Jerry's ice cream: I'd tell you that it was I who sent the ____-filled _____ to my own _____ back in _____.

I guess I'm easy.