How to Get Out of a Ticket

For years you've hounded me for the answer... Today I am in a good mood, so I shall spill the secrets to one of my great talents: How to get out of a traffic ticket.

1) Never let on that your encounter with the police officer is the least bit upsetting. Relate to them as you would your security detail. They are not the fuzz, the cops, or pigs, but are on the beat to protect and to serve. Act pleasant and natural. Greet them warmly. Ask how they are--take an interest.

2) This is very tricky: Be truthful but evasive about your speed. When they ask, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Never admit to an actual speed, but acknowledge that yes, you surprised yourself that you let the speed get up there. "The car runs so smooth," "It's such a clear night," or "I was thinking about my mother," are all good comments to tack on to the end of your short response.

3) If you're pressed further, or if the officer regales you with a list of things you did wrong or that he's noticed are wrong with your car, do not debate, explain, or acknowledge these things. Nod your head, understandingly. Think of him in the "protect and serve mode" ... like he's your older brother giving you some tips so mom and dad don't catch you the next time. Don't fear him--just listen.

4) Always meet their eye. Never betray a concern about the incident. Get them to like you, but not in a pushy Sally Field kind of way. As the officer takes your license and registration back to his car, you want him to be thinking: "What a great guy, I can relate to him, he's really giving me no cause for alarm or concern. Speed happens."

5) While the officer is looking you up, do not jam to the radio or call a friend--be ready for their return. She's made up her mind about whether she wants you to have a ticket or not by the time she walks to her car; the computer will tell her if she can stick to this emotional decision and let you go or if she needs to bring you in for questioning--so keep your traffic record clean! Nevertheless, watch her discreetly through your mirror, and turn to face her (meeting eyes)--in this moment you need to validate her decision to let you go "only with a warning."

6) Wish them a good night--and thank them--but never, ever tip your patrolman.

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** BONUS SECTION ** Because all situations are unique, and there are many variables, the above advice may not mesh entirely with your next police encounter. Nevertheless, use the spirit of these tips to get you through. I share AN ACTUAL EXAMPLE FROM MY LIFE to help you whenever you need to pull an audible:

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A few years ago I was following my parents' car through New Hampshire on our way back to their house. They sped through the night and, concious that 20 mph over the limit would put me in jeopardy, I tried to hang back. We were low on gas, so I took an exit, rolled right, and pulled up at a gas pump.

A police officer pulled in behind our mini van--which was stocked with my wife and four kids (at the time). One had been crying, and now the others were waking up cranky. I got out of the car, and opened the two sliding doors where the kids sat--I wanted to advertise that we had more challenges than just a simple traffic violation. I didn't even know what I had done, but I knew it was something. I acted as if the police officer was just making conversation with me, and not engaging me as a person of interest.

I began to pump the gas, calmly quieting the children, while I gave him polite, but distracted attention (as my wife went into the store for some milk). He could clearly see that my hands were full. He then asked why I rolled through that stop sign after the exit ramp. I honestly did not see it, and I told him so. I also told him I was from Georgia, following my parents' home, and they were driving so fast, I thought it best to slow down and get back safely on these wet roads. He lingered around a bit, but he had been convinced I spoke the truth, and that a ticket would really not be the worst of my concerns right now... so he let me go.

See? This example is unique--and only for advanced and intuitive students--but sometimes, we are forced to improvise. Always remember: Calm, friendly, unafraid, unperuturbed, confident that it's all misunderstanding.

Comments

[karen]

LOL! Hilarious, John! Love the Sally Field bit. haha

[Bethany]

Did you notice your cop turned from male to female in the middle of your example? Is he/she a cross dresser?

[johnvano]

I felt it important to acknowledge the contributions of all types of law enforcement personnel--regardless of gender, etc. I started with "they," moved to "he," and finished with "she." Did you notice how I switched to the feminine form right next to the picture of the female officer? I love synergy.

In a related note, I must warn you that female officers and police on motorcycles raise the the level of difficulty for those of you playing "How to Get Out of a Ticket" at home.

[James Heyward]

Vano: Only you and Les Parrot Sr. could get away with not getting tickets. Les did a better job then you he used to get out of the car back in the day and "stumble" and fall. The cop would help pick him up and send him on his way. Pure genius!

jfhey2

[karen]

Don't forget the Tommy Boy example ... the wasps or bees or whatever ... haha