johnvano.com

More Celebrity Hair on Vano

Josh Duhamel's hair on my head. Now I can star on Las Vegas, too.

Do I look presidential with Bill Clinton's 'do? And how cool would Tom Cruise look with my hair? ...Actually, he looks a little scary.

If I Had a Celebrity's Hair...

A special shout-out to TerribleSpeller for the link to this fun site--HairMixer.

This is me with Brad Pitt's hair. It makes me look younger--like Leo DiCaprio with a mustache.

With Owen Wilson's hair, I look like I'm trying too hard. This also resembles Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Hanna Montanta's brother, Jackson.

If you've ever thought of me as "too white"--here I am as Will Smith!

The Lard Butt Report

My beloved Blood Mountain Lard Butts, the fantasy football team I have owned and operated since 1994, are trailing badly right now in their annual grudge match against Carp's Mayberry Fife n' Furleys. Carp's team has managed 7 TDs, while mine has just one. While I still have Cedric Benson and Robbie Gould playing now and Eric Johsnon tomorrow, Carp can still count on the explosive Marques Colston tomorrow night. It looks grim for my boys, but I'm hoping my halftime speech will help. Here's the details:

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Butts v. Furleys: ESPN Halftime Transcript

     Mike Tirico: "...Speaking of challenges, Suzy, just how are the Lard Butts coping with this incredible collapse against the Fife n' Furleys today?"
     Suzy Kolber: "Well, Mike, I spoke with the Butts' Javon Walker at the end of halftime and he told me the mood of the team was one of exaltation."
     Tony Kornheiser: "Exaltation? Are you sure you're talking to a football player?"
     Kolber: "Yes, Tony, as I watched the Lard Butts take the field following the half, and as you know, trailing 142-64, they were misty-eyed, but Walker says an incredible peace and determination has washed over them for the second half."
     Ron Jaworski: "Peace? Do they know they're down by 78 points?"
     Kolber: "Guys, I'm told that Butts' owner, John Vano, as you know, one of the most involved owners in league history. A controversial figure, certainly, but beloved by all of his players..."
     Tirico: "With the exception of Brett Favre."
     Kolber: "True, those two could knock it down like the wild west, but beloved by every one else... Anyway, Vano burst into the Butts' lockerroom, and I'm told, he ripped each of these men a new one."
     Kornheiser: "A new corn hole?"
     Kolber: "You got it, Tony, but when the dust had settled, Walker and then later Carson Palmer told me, he had the team eating out of his hand. Palmer says they would have taken a bullet for him. He gave a speech Walker, with a straight face, compared to the "I Have a Dream Speech." Ray Lewis agreed. As he was walking past us, he said that Vano's words sent a shiver down his spine... it was what he imagined Premier Gorbachev must have felt when Ronald Reagan proclaimed, "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall."
     Tirico: "But do you think the Lard Butts can come back? After all, these were just words..."
     Kolber: "Mike, were the words, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country" just words?"
     Tirico: "No, Suzy. No, they weren't."
     Kolber: "I didn't think so. As for this sideline reporter, I believe in miracles."
     Al Michaels: "Uh... I've got that sentiment trademarked."
     Kolber:  "My bad, Al."

I Guess I Am Much Cooler Online...

Thanks to everyone who voted for me! Kicks 101.5 called me last night to say: "Hi John, this is Janet calling from Kicks' radio station... you are in fact OUR GRAND PRIZE WINNER! Thanks so much for playing along... you've won a pair of tickets (to Brad Paisley) and the meet and greet..."

So apparently (and with apologies to Sally Field) you like the fake me! You really, really like the fake me... !

After the concert I'm sure I'll do a post and include the pics of me signing a six-figure songwriting contract with Brad before the concert on September 20... Then they'll be the photos of Brad, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Paula, and me in the limo on our way out to dinner after the show... and by the time I post photos of yet another VandenOever-Paisley vacation, you'll be so sorry you ever voted for me...

Meet Mr. Aloha! (I'm a Fake-Profile Finalist)

As a creative way to promote Brad Paisley's summer concert tour, my favorite country music station announced a contest this week. Brad's latest hit single is called "Online" and it humorously spoofs the tendency for some to enhance their attributes through not-so-accurate online profiles. The station challenged its listeners to come up with the most outrageous fake profile (about 50 words). The top 5 nominees would receive a pair of tickets to the September 20 Brad Paisley-Taylor Swift concert in Atlanta. The finalist receives a pair of backstage passes.

This seemed right up my alley as imagine myself a writer (and I am hard at work on my first novel). Also, I have had some fun creating fake e-mail addresses and communicating with select friends through these aliases. So I submitted a short piece--and I've won tickets to the concert! If my entry, "Mr. Aloha," wins--Paula and I will get to meet Mr. Paisley. But really, it's an honor just to be nominated.

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This is my submission (entry #4):

Aloha! On break from a wet underwear shoot on Kauai. It’s my vacation from repairing cleft palates in Honduras. My photographer here is super-hot Karena who says I look like a young Erik Estrada. Can’t wait to cool off at my chalet in the Rockies, but still looking for someone special to cuddle with by the fire...

Vote now! (the contest is only open until 2pm on 8/17/07)

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Liner Notes: The "wet underwear" bit came off a little racier (or infantile) than I intended. I originally had it as "very chilly" but thought, is the water chilly off Kauai? I didn't know. I changed it to wet to go with being in the surf, but after I submitted it I realized it sounds provocative. Also, the bit about "a young Erik Estrada" is a line I've made famous among a small circle of my friends--it is a description I have used often for one of my aliases. Vote for your online friend (me) today!

The 'Lard Butts' Are Champions

Hey, guess what? I won my pretend football championship game this week. I started playing fantasy football in 1994, and for the past five years have been playing in a league that was made up mostly of people from work but now there's just two of us (out of 14) that work together.

I'm the commissioner of this league, but I'm probably most famous for the fake news articles I write about my team. I always write myself into the reports as team owner. My favorite stories were from a few years ago when I wrote about my fake feud with my quarterback Brett Favre, and then there were those "creative/investigative" pieces about my opponents.

I have posted my championship-winning news release for you here--the names of other owners have been changed, and the comment about one needing Rich Little refers to a guy whose father and wife are in the league and the persistent rumor among us that he secretly runs their teams for them--a certain conflict of interest (hee-hee).
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(AP) Miami--Sitting on a curb amidst soda cups, pretzel wrappers, and cigarette butts is Lard Butts' owner, John Vano, staring ahead and thinking about the team that could.

"Everyone said it couldn't be done," Vano marvels. "But I just kept telling Carson, Maurice, and Tiki--'let's do this', Butts before Beauty, you know?"

Indeed, "Butts Before Beauty" became the hallmark of the playoff campaign for this 6-6 team. After 10 games they were mired at 4-6, but a pre-game speech by Tiki Barber, in his final season as a Butt, channeled an improbable winning streak that took them through both the season and the Down and Out Bowl.

"Our guys were stout this year," says Vano, "Quarterback, my runners, ... well the receivers all sucked. Do you know how hard I tried to get a tight end this year? I called all the teams--talked to Tom Walker three times, I couldn't believe his impersonations of his father and wife. Was I supposed to believer that? He shoulda hired Rich Little!"

King For a Day

I'm not much of a gamer--in fact, my wife got me an Xbox system for my birthday a few years ago and I've hardly played it. But I introduced it to our 7 and 6 year-old about a year ago and they both really enjoy it. My son, predictably, has a few problems managing his lust for game time v. his time for eating, sleeping, and playing. He also enjoys telling you circular stories about different levels of play on his Star Wars Lego game. But enough about him, this is about me!

As I was saying, I'm not much of a gamer--but I have picked up the controls again for the first time in awhile thanks to the new Xbox games available at Burger King. Now I must say again what I have told many of you before--I'm a big fan of Burger King, but I actually don't really care for their food. I just like the idea of Burger King, mostly because of all the nostalgic commercials from my youth and because of the King. I am fascinated by this modern incantation of him--and his ads bring me much delight.

So I recently merged my kids' love for the Xbox with my love for the King and bought them a video called Big Bumpin' for $3.99 with a value meal purchase (when we were driving home from Disney World at Thanksgiving). Then I got them Pocketbike Racer a week ago. When I popped Pocketbike Racer into the Xbox to try it out with the new wireless controller I had purchased for the kids--I immediately fell in love.

Better as a Book, or Better as a Movie?

Some of the best ideas for movies, come from the mother of all media--the book. Usually the original art form trumps the nouveau rendering, but at times, the film is made better by an ace screenwriter or director. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter:

Better as a Book:

• Catch Me If You Can
• A Praire Home Companion
• The Great Gatsby
• Goldfinger
• Wuthering Heights
• Along Came a Spider
• The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
• Empire Falls
• Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (both times)
• The Firm
• The Client
• The Pelican Brief
• Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabahn
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
• Marathon Man
• Breakfast at Tiffany's
• A Walk to Remember
• Jurassic Park
• Rising Sun
• Timeline
• The Prince of Tides

Better as a Movie:

• Forrest Gump
• The Notebook
• Hearts in Atlantis
• Shopgirl
• A Time to Kill
• A Room with a View
• Big Fish

Equally Good as Both a Book and a Movie:

• Girl with a Pearl Earring
• The Human Stain
• Thank You For Smoking
• Disclosure
• The Postman Always Rings Twice
• The Importance of Being Earnest (play)
• The Rainmaker
• The Orchid Thief/ Adaptation

Not Very Good Either Way:

• Cheaper by the Dozen

Product Mascot Tournament

I was just sitting here wondering what to write about, and I thought of staging a showdown between some of the most famous names in the corporate mascot business. The following list is literally the first 16 character names that popped into my head--compiled in less than 45 seconds. This is how they would fare--if matched against each other in an NCAA-type tournament. Seedings are in ().

Cereal Mascot Regional: (1) Tony the Tiger v. (4) Corn Flakes Rooster; (2) Snap, Crackle, & Pop v. (3) Toucan Sam

Doughy White Objects Regional: (1) Pillsbury Doughboy (Pop 'N Fresh) v. (4) Hamburger Helper; (2) Michelin Man v. (3) Snuggle the Fabric Softener Bear

Fast Foot Regional: (1) Ronald McDonald v. (4) Wendy; (2) The Burger King, circa 2006 v. (3) Arby's Oven Mitt

Creatures and Cooks Regional: (1) Jolly Green Giant v. (4) Betty Crocker; (2) Keebler Elves v. (3) Nestle Quik Rabbit

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Cereal Mascot Regional: In the first game, Tony the Tiger out-scratches the spokes-chicken. The rooster is hardly a presence anymore without advertising dollars being spent to animate him in today's commercials. Snap, Crackle & Pop take down Toucan Sam in game two. While Toucan manages to snap up both Snap and Crackle into his colorful beak, Pop manages to elude the top-heavy bird before landing the winning blow. In the regional final, Tony the Tiger eats the "Crispies" for breakfast. Winner: Tony the Tiger.

Crazy, Demented Animals

Just a few words about the animals in our house:

• The moratorium I put on getting any new animals has been ignored. I know this because my wife introduced me to the new hamster last week.
• It's a boy hamster, but my daughter Madison named him "Kelsi." She wanted to pretend he was a girl.
• Apparently all her pretending paid off, because on Saturday night he gave birth to 3 babies.
• The sad, but creepy news was that 2 of the babies were stillborn, and Kelsi ate the third. Madison wondered if her mommy would ever eat her, or the other children--my wife promised that she wouldn't.
• Our 9-month old "female" dog, Dancer, was fixed on Wednesday.
• The dog takes me on walks. When I put her on a leash, she makes sure she's got a good grip on her end, and then pulls me along with the leash between her teeth.
• Our cat talks, or should I say, sings. That's why he's named Pavarotti.
• Pavarotti spends his nights outside, we don't like him singing while we're trying to sleep.
• Pavarotti won't eat alone. He'll come get me and meow threateningly. I'll think one of the kids has fallen in a well, because he's so persistent and troubled. Turns out, he leads me to the kitchen where his food has grown a little stale in the 10 minutes since I've fed him. I refuse to top him off. Finally, he gives in and just eats, but only as long as I'm standing there.
• Pavarotti can have 15-minute-old food in his dish, but he'll take 9 minutes to jimmy open the cupboard, and when he finally suceeds in opening in, he'll hungrily eat the food that's been spilled in there next to his food container. It's food that's been lying out for weeks, but he somehow thinks it's better than the stuff I just poured for him.
• Both the cat and dog prefer to eat each other's food.
• I stepped on a big spider last week and out of its dead carcass came 20 little baby spiders, racing for the light. Yuck.
• My son's white gerbil got out of its cage once. After I caught it, I noticed that its eye had been compromised. The cat must have scratched at it because it looked dead. My wife and I wondered if the gerbil would die, or if the eye would have stench. We wondered if we should put the gerbil to sleep, but then he flourished. After a few weeks, the eye cleared up, and he was as good as new.
• The next time the gerbil got out, he went under the cupboards and we couldn't get him out. We waited on him, and I eventually saw him out in the open, strolling through the living room. My wife and I cornered him, but then the cat came running at him. The gerbil made a beeline for the cupboards again, so I pinned him under my foot. I did this gently, so as not to crush him. Yet when I picked him up and put him in his cage, he ran in circles, before collapsing. I noticed a large scratch down his back from the cat. He slept for 3 straight days, and we wondered again if we should put him out of his misery. Then we went on vacation, my in-laws promising to check on the the fish, the gerbil, and the cat while we were away. They lost their key, and didn't. I came home whle my family stayed in Florida, anticipating a house reeking of dead gerbil. Instead, I found a very alert and active rodent, limping around and missing half of his back left leg. It's been over a week since I've been back, and the gerbil is just like his old self again. He constantly builds nests for himself, and chews to bits any thing we put in there--his little gerbil bathroom, a plastic gerbil bedroom--it doesn't matter. He digs feverishly against the cage, and all with one leg missing. Last week his leg was missing just above the knee. Since then, we catch him knawing on the stub and it's now chewed back almost to his groin. He doesn't seem to be in any pain, and like I said, every day he seems a little more active, and more himself. We're on "gerbil watch"--waiting to see what happens. At least he's not having babies.