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Watch Out for Creepy Gurneys

Last night my children and I were entertained by a Plavix commercial.

The ad showed a handsome actor, his hair speckled gray in all the right places, in the role of a night security guard. As he roamed the hallways of an empty facility, an available gurney lurked, trailing his every step. The imagery loudly warned that this seemingly healthy, workmanlike stud could have a dramatic life event at any moment--unless protected by the mysterious wonders of Plavix.

Well the soft tones of the ad's announcer must have had an effect on the guy, because next thing you know the man is in street clothes, walking through the automatic doors of his doctor's office, the gurney catching in the doors as they close. While the man is cheerfully attended to by his physician, the following words appear at the bottom of the screen: "Doctor dramatization."

What? You mean the phantom piece of medical equipment wasn't a dramatization? That can really happen?

I Need a Medical Opinion

What's going on with my finger?

It doesn't hurt... and I didn't even notice it right away.

I think I've pieced it together, though. I had a tiny, hanging chad off to the right of my nail, you know, just a little thin string of skin--and I yanked it out. This is necessary a few times a year... But then a day later, my finger was doing this (pictured)... it actually looks worse now, three days later.

What's your diagnosis?

Evolutionary Models... and Skittles

Because my firstborn is a girl... and because 3 of our first 4 kids are girls... I'm tempted to believe this new study which concludes that my wife and I are amazingly attractive. But wait... the study has too many holes!

There is an evolutionary psychologist by the name of Satoshi Kanazawa who claims that the physically attractive will produce girls first, and more readily, than will the frumpy. His research is based on "objective" diagnostics on the beauty of mating spouses. The most beautiful in Kanazawa's sample, appear to have more first-born daughters. The reason? Well, he's an evolutionist, so it must come back to our bodies--on their own--figuring stuff out for us.

This guy has concluded that humans produce offspring that benefit from our best attributes. So men, if you're "too sexy for your shirt," and you hook up with a woman who can "Vogue," then in all likelihood your child will walk the catwalk. But if you can move a lot of cinder in a little bit of time, you're more likely to produce thugheaded children who despise their looks.