johnvano.com

All Gussied Up

I almost lost my teeth last Friday. Provoked by the cruel taunts of friends, I'd been considering giving my car a wash. It had been at least three (maybe seven) years since I'd last sprayed the thing. The grimy build-up, the tumble of seedy carcasses, and the paint from a thousand bird ploppings had become a badge of honor for my 13-year-old Toyota Corolla.

The decision did not come easily. I had enjoyed watching the sooty creep of my exhaust spray as it expanded along the right rear of my bumper. Diagnosed over a year ago as "burning oil", the car looked, according to one giggly colleague, "like it had been through a fire." So why wash it at all? Perhaps it comes in knowing this is my last chance to appreciate the car I have owned since before I married, and before any of my children's lives began. My wife labeled it "a junker" years before I could embrace such a moniker, but once I agreed with her on this, all bets were off and it seemed to amuse me to watch its decline.

The vinyl border around the windows started peeling, I've torn down what I could. The windshield is cracked from a stone that flew up in 2004. My front seat passenger must wait for a valet to open their door as it does not open from the inside. The driver's side door doesn't open from the outside, but now that I've pried off the inner handle, you can grip the mechanical rod through the exposed hole in the door, and pulling it toward the window, release the door. If it doesn't look like rain, I can keep my window down and reach in to open it. And probably worst of all, is the muckety-muck that covers the area between the seats, under the cuprack, and the carpets--no doubt from years of toppled soda cups and coffee splatters.

Its most recent diagnosis was a broken coolant senser (or something like that)--a device that helps the car identify the internal and external temperature. Without it, my engine thinks it's always 30 below zero. Somehow I found a way to pass my Georgia emissions exam this month, and it felt like reason to celebrate with a washing. I wholly expect this to be my car's last year with me, and as we take this victory lap together, I think she should be clean.

Where I've Been

With a nod to MadSanity, here are the states I've traveled to and through in my lifetime. North Dakota and Wyoming I'm not 100% sure about, we may have driven through them in one or more of my family trips as a youngster, but I don't think we did.

It has been several years since I've checked off any new states, but clearly, I'll have to book passage to the Northwest someday to get this map filled in. My paternal grandfather lived in Vancouver, Washington for a few years, but I never made it out for a visit.

I've lived in six states. I was born in Minnesota, lived in Oklahoma as a toddler, and then my mom and I returned to Minnesota while my dad was in 'Nam. We left Viking country when I was 16, and I lived in Upstate New York until college. Then it was Massachusetts for school, before I returned to New York for a couple of years. In 1995, I moved to South Florida, where I met and married my wife. In 2000, we moved to Georgia, and that's where I've been ever since.

My Top Ten States

Not counting the eight states I have not graced, here's my top ten--plus my bottom five U.S. states. For those offended by my opinions, be encouraged--I can be bought. If you would like to see your state's ranking improve, may I suggest an all-expense paid trip for seven to your favorite destination so that I can acheive a fresh perspective.

The Top Ten

10. Louisiana -- I have not traveled it much, but once spent 5 days in Baton Rogue. I love the low-lands, the speech, and the "different-ness" of this area. I am very intrigued by the swamps and beautiful murkiness of the Louisiana I have seen in pictures.

9. Colorado -- Everywhere you look in Colorado, the scenery takes your breath away. Traveling up over a mountain in the summer and stopping for a snowball fight--Priceless.

8. Maine -- You gotta love the drawl of the people and the smell of the sea. Have you ever people-watched and tried to guess where each was from? Maine-ers are pretty easy to recognize. I love the ports of Maine, and the deep shadows of the woods. Like La. and Co., my experience here is far too scant.

7. New York -- You've got Niagara Falls, the Finger Lakes region, and the Adirondacks (top photo)--and few things are as blissful as a lazy boat drift among the mountains. Beautiful country. Troy is a town in disarray, but it's architecture moves me for some reason. NY was my home state from 1985-95.

Wait 5 Minutes

Would people please stop telling the joke, "If you don't like the weather in (name of city or state), wait 5 minutes!" ...Rim shot.

Those of you who are fond of saying this, most likely have lived all of your life in the same community. Nothing wrong with that. But what you may not know, is that everywhere I have traveled in these United States, that sentiment is repeated. Everyone feels that way about where they live!

Now the fact is, weather happens. And it changes. But give me a break... Kansas? Atlanta? Syracuse? Arizona... ? You folks don't have the right to make this joke. People in South Florida, do. This was one of my stop-overs in the Johnvano Life Tour, and at least what you have in sunny Florida, is one or two rain showers each day. And the wind picks up, and the wind dies down. It is overcast, and then sun comes out blazing--THAT'S a changing weather pattern... But Kansas?