johnvano.com

Squirrel Suicides

It has been reported that squirrel suicides are on the rise. The bushy-tailed rodents are frying themselves on power lines and transformers in epic numbers--causing tens of thousands of blackouts every year in the U.S. According to USA Today, in Georgia alone, squirrel-related power outages have risen from 5,273 in 2005 to 16,750 in 2006--to the tune of $2 million dollars in damages.

Clearly something must be done. I say, if the squirrels are this depressed, we ought to spending at least $2 million dollars to help them to understand why.

I'm not a psychiatrist or an animal trainer, but I have to think that homelessness has something to do with it. I haven't known one squirrel who isn't living hand to mouth--always scavenging for droppings, whether they be nuts from a tree, or food falling from my paw as I walk through the park. This is a real problem in America, and we're all blind to it. And I'm just like you--I haven't done a thing about it. Oh sure, we'll mutter a few words under our breaths and reach for the broom when they steal food from our bird feeders, but who are we to watch them starve? And who died and made the birds the top of the food chain? Why should we provide free food--and room and board (hello, birdhouses?)--for the flighted ones and not those condemned to claw and scamper?

I have been so blind--I can't believe it's taken this news of blackouts for the squirrels to get my attention. Haven't they been shouting out to us that they're in pain--that they need us? How many squirrel carcasses do we need to pass along the road before we recognize this upward tick in squirrel suicides? They've been trying to get us to notice for years, but we've refused to see them. So they took out our precious T.V. for an hour or so, thinking maybe if we were inconvenienced--we'd realize their plight.

A Witness to History

This morning at 6:45 a.m., I headed out the door with Madison and Marshall for the Yellow River Game Ranch where Gen Beau Lee (Georiga's official groundhog) was scheduled to forecast the rest of the winter. When we arrived, there were maybe 40 people around his cage. Madison and Marshall got some free hot chocolate from the Waffle House guy who felt badly that I couldn't partake because of my diet, so he gave me a handful of free waffle coupons. Again, the diet, dude.

Madison then petted one of the live deer roaming around the premises, and we grabbed a spot in the second row for the festivities. There we stood for about a half an hour before the groundhog came out of his big white mansion. Madison said it looked like George Lincoln's house. "You mean, George Bush?" I asked. "Yeah." "She's hitting them all just to be sure," was the smiling comment from the mother in front of me. It was 39 degrees, but not too chilly.

An 8-year-old Georgia pageant winner rang the bell to stir Beau at sunrise, and we heard of the 98% accuracy of the groundhog from Atlanta radio's Southside Steve. We whooped and hollered for him to come out, but he didn't test the sunshine until he had some grits put at his door. He did not see his shadow, but wandered around before hiding behind a discarded Christmas tree. In the end, there were two TV news crews and various newspapers on hand and perhaps 200-250 people.

At 7:35, we wandered around the game ranch for about a half hour or so, petting deer, watching the chickens and roosters running around, eyeing the peacock 40 feet up in a tree, feeding the goats, and seeing hogs, ponies, burros, Asian buffalo, a mountain lion, a pheasant, a couple of black vultures, and a hungry squirrel that the kids wanted to feed. We capped off the morning with the kids riding the 25 cent horsey ride (I guess you're never too old for that). I took them home, then went into work. I got there in record time--about 30 minutes, instead of my usual hour (maybe I should head to work every morning at 8:40).

Bet Ya Didn't Know...

I discovered a lot of random animal facts that I'd like to take a moment to blow your minds with. You may think you know the proper names of common zoo animals, but think again--do you know what the male and female versions of the following animals are called?

- The female alligator is a cow.
- The badger boy is a boar, while his lady friend is a sow.
- Bears are also called boars and sows--who knew?
- A beaver baby is a kitten.
- You probably know that a male cat is a tomcat, but did you know the female is called a queen? That explains a lot.
- This one is remarkable--we all know a donkey is known as an ass, but what you probably didn't know is the male ass is literally known as a jack. And the female is a jennyass.
- The baby dove is a squab.
- A baby eel is called leptocephalus.
- The male falcon is a tercel.
- Opussum are called either jack or jill.
- Swan men are cob, the women are pen, and the babies are flapper.
- And to me, this one is the weirdest of all. The peacock is not a species at all, because you're only a peacock, if you're the male. The true animal name is a peafowl. Females are peahens and babies are peachick.

You truly do learn something new everyday at johnvano.com.

Two Squirrels

An actual conversation I had today:

Them: "Is it wrong to watch two squirrels having sex? I feel like a voyeur."

Me: "Wrong? No, I don't think it's morally wrong."